"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Seven

 

Review By: Gothic Spook

"If you don’t want me to tell A.D. Follmer about the one time your lips were attached to mine, you better sit down." - Mulder

Oh don’t worry! You shall hear all with that little tale! Skinner proposes to Kim! But what will her answer be? Doggett having dinner with his ex-wife? Poor Doggett! He needs a friend to talk to but as always insists on bottling up all his emotions! Maybe his ex-wife can help him out. Read on, for another great episode of FRVS!

 

7x09 "Mister Proposal"

Title: "Mister Proposal"
Written by: Cassie
Date: April 30, 2004; May 7, 2004; September 8-9, 2004
Air Date: November 1, 2004
Rating: PG
Series: FRVS - Episode #132
FRVS Episode References: 5x11 “Two Guys, A Waitress, and A Lie”
Feedback: E-mail us at foxandratvs@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS).
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: A nice summer’s day at the office and outside the office.


FADE IN:

INT. BRAD’S OFFICE – 11:13 A.M.
JULY 22, 2004 (THURSDAY)

Diana, Mulder and Krycek are calmly sitting in chairs that are in front of Brad’s desk.

Brad steps into frame, frustrated. His hair looks as if he has pulled at it, it sticks out oddly in some areas. He quickly takes a seat and leans towards them.

BRAD
You three have been in my
office now for nearly three
hours. Why in God’s name
won’t you leave?

DIANA
How many times do I have
to tell you that I can’t work
in an environment where there
are rival agents who enjoy
flushing water balloons down
toilets and consider that a
good day at work?

KRYCEK
You hooker!

MULDER
Stop saying that!

DIANA
I’m not a hooker. Do you
even know what a hooker is?

KRYCEK
An ugly, brunette woman.

MULDER
Stop it.

KRYCEK
No!

MULDER
Just stop it!

Brad rolls his eyes, he’s getting nowhere with these three.

BRAD
Where is Agent Doggett?

KRYCEK
I think he’s flirting with Judy.

MULDER
I think he’s jealous of Doggett
because Judy is blond, like Marita.

DIANA
I heard that Marita threw
herself at Agent Doggett
last month.

KRYCEK
(stands up)
She did not!

BRAD
Agent Krycek sit down.

Krycek doesn’t do as he is told. Instead he goes to Diana and stands above her, looking very serious. She looks up at him.

KRYCEK
Agent Fowley, I think you
didn’t hear the Assistant Director
when he told you you’re fired.

BRAD
Agent Krycek sit down or I’ll
report you to OPR for disregarding
orders from your direct superior.

KRYCEK
(laughing)
Ha! Ha! You’re very funny!

DIANA
Agent Krycek, you need to
listen to him.

KRYCEK
I most certainly will not.

MULDER
If you don’t want me to tell
A.D. Follmer about the one
time your lips were attached
to mine, you better sit down.

Krycek quickly takes a seat and shuts up. Diana raises an eyebrow, wondering – like you – when this lip attachment happened and why.

BRAD
Thank you, Agent Mulder.

MULDER
You’re welcome.

BRAD
So: we need to resolve the
issue at hand. Agent Fowley,
would you mind reminding me
what exactly is the issue at hand?

DIANA
Bickering between the two of them
despite them no longer being partners
and wasted time flushing water
balloons down toilets… in the ladies room.

Brad sighs. What to do…

There’s a frantic knock on the office door, it opens. Skinner looks into the office – a twinkle in his eye.

SKINNER
(excited)
I’m gonna propose to Kim!

Mulder jumps up out of his seat.

MULDER
Can I be the Maid of Honor?!

Diana coughs.

MULDER
(embarrassed)
I mean the Best Man.

Skinner just grins from ear-to-ear and walks out of the office.

MULDER
Oh how exciting!
I just love weddings.

KRYCEK
You’re gay.

MULDER
You’re the one that kissed me.

Brad rests his head in his hands, he’s lost them again.

CUT TO:

INT. JANITOR’S LOUNGE – 11:20 A.M.

Doggett and Spender are sitting together at a table, eating their lunch.

DOGGETT
I get so sick of him. His
ignorant rants, degrading
fellow female agents. His
lack of understanding the law.

SPENDER
What did he not understand?

DOGGETT
Statutory rape.

Spender raises an eyebrow and bites into his turkey sandwich.

DOGGETT
He pretty much stated that sex
is all right between a child and
an adult if they are in love and
consent to sex.

SPENDER
You should give him the
scenario of a four year
old and a sixty-seven
year old pedophile.

DOGGETT
I tried that and he said it
was all right. (beat) He may
have just said that because
he can’t admit when he’s wrong.

SPENDER
I think Krycek has some
serious mental problems.

DOGGETT
You don’t say.

They continue eating their lunch. Minutes later the Janitor walks in, nods at the agents and then he takes a seat on the couch and turns on the television.

JANITOR
Just getting ready to watch
“All My Children”. I’m in
Drop Zone.

SPENDER
What’s Drop Zone?

JANITOR
When you sit down in front
of your TV a half hour before
your favorite television
program is on.

SPENDER
Oh.

DOGGETT
Hey, sometimes I do that
before an important NASCAR race.

The Janitor sneers at him. Doggett frowns and stands up and heads to the door.

JANITOR
John, I’m just picking on you.
I’ve really got nothing against
you. Mon’, she told me to help
her pick on you.

DOGGETT
Yeah, well…

Doggett leaves the Janitor’s Lounge.

JANITOR
(to Spender)
What’s up his bum?

SPENDER
Self-blame, I think.

JANITOR
The car accident… (beat) Some
buddies of mine upstairs are
sort of conspiracy theorists. They’re
saying that they think Monica
and Agent Scully aren’t dead and
that the government has them in
custody for top secret info that
they came across, that if leaked is
a threat to national security.

SPENDER
So, if you’ve got friends upstairs,
why do you hang out down here?

JANITOR
Why do you hang out down
here when you work in CID?

SPENDER
Good point. (beat) So why
do you watch soap operas?

JANITOR
My wife works and we don’t
have a VCR so I tell her what
happens every night when she
comes home. That way she
doesn’t feel as if she’s missed
anything.

SPENDER
That’s kind of you.

JANITOR
She doesn’t know that I make
up my own plot twists when
I tell her what happened. I think
she enjoys my stories better than
what really happened on the show.

SPENDER
She must love hearing stories
about Mulder and Krycek.

JANITOR
Nope. They’re not interesting enough.

SPENDER
(surprised)
Not interesting enough?

JANITOR
She prefers to hear about the
relationship between Agents
Doggett and Scully. Were you
around when Scully pretended
to be her twin sister, Danielle,
and scored a date with John?

SPENDER
She doesn’t have a twin sister.

JANITOR
Precisely.

Spender joins the Janitor on the couch to watch soap operas.

SPENDER
So what’s your wife’s name?

JANITOR
Charlotte.

SPENDER
What’s your name?

The Janitor laughs.

JANITOR
Jan Ivan Tor.

SPENDER
Swedish?

JANITOR
Not sure.

Spender is intrigued by the Janitor, he figures he can figure him out if he can get insight on his life.

SPENDER
So what was your childhood like?

JANITOR
Nope. You’re pushing it.

The Janitor stands up and turns off the TV just as “All My Children” begins.

CUT TO:

INT. SKINNER’S OFFICE – 12:06 P.M.

Kim is quietly reorganizing the many unreviewed folders of casefiles that Skinner needs to go over.

Since Skinner was rotated to being the Assistant Director of Homicide in the Criminal Investigation Division (CID) from being the Assistant Director of the X-Files Division, she has been busier and busier trying to get him to keep on top of his work. Homicide isn’t as dead (pardon the pun) as the X-Files. He has many more active cases now than an entire year of supervising the X-Files.

Kim doesn’t mind all the work, it’s a welcome change of pace than what she was doing before, and she has less a chance to have to run out to buy Skinner Rogain.

She chuckles to herself. Poor Brad Follmer. Such a serious person now deals with the every day idiocy of Agents Mulder and Krycek.

SKINNER
(off screen)
Kim?

Kim looks up from her work and smiles.

SKINNER
How would you like to go
out someplace nice for dinner tonight?

KIM
I’d love to.

SKINNER
I made reservations at Lao’s.

KIM
You’re not going to try eating
with chopsticks again, are you?

Skinner gives her a smile and steps back into his office. He shuts the door behind him.

He takes a seat at his desk and opens a drawer. He takes out a red velvet ring box, he opens it and takes the ring out and looks at it. On the inside of the ring is the engravement:

“Turtle! Eek!”

He ponders if it is right to use the same diamond engagement ring that he gave to Scully when he proposes to Kim. Other than the engravement, Kim would have no way of knowing that the ring is the one that Scully wore, twice.

His heart aches when he thinks about how Scully is no longer with them. Despite having intimate relations with Marita and Kim, he still believes that he and Dana would always end up together.

Skinner learned his lesson with Scully: never cheat on the woman you love. That is what ruined his relationship with her and he wishes he had never hurt her as he did. She deserved so much more than what life gave to her. Now she rests in peace. He sniffles and places the velvet box into his coat pocket. Yes, he will give this ring to Kim too. It’s the best way for Kim to know how much he cares for her, loves her.

CUT TO:

INT. DOGGETT/KRYCEK’S OFFICE – 4:04 P.M.

Well, the boys and Diana did get out of Brad’s office. Krycek is sitting at what used to be Monica’s desk. He is reading “The Cases That Haunt Us” by John Douglas. Doggett is there as well, reviewing an old case file.

KRYCEK
John? Did you know that (coughs)
“murder is the single most disturbing
and devastating experience that can
happen to any of us; because murder,
unlike death by disease or accident,
is an intentional act, one that turns our
world upside down and robs us of all
our basic orientations to the world except,
if we are very fortunate, our faith”?

Doggett doesn’t look up from his case file.

DOGGETT
Yeah, I know that.

He looks up at Krycek.

DOGGETT
Why do you ask?

KRYCEK
Well… no one has ever put it
to me like that before.

Doggett wrinkles his brow. He doesn’t know what to say. He figured anyone employed by the FBI would know it. Krycek sees Doggett’s confused expression.

KRYCEK
What? Haven’t you ever
killed anyone?

DOGGETT
Not because I wanted to.

KRYCEK
You served with the Marines
during the first Gulf War, right?
Did you kill people then?

DOGGETT
(looks down)
War is different, Alex. Any
killing I did then was in defense
of this country, its citizens, and
the protection of the men in my battalion.

KRYCEK
Just because it’s war, doesn’t make
it right to take the lives of others.

Doggett pretends to read the case file again. He doesn’t like talking about his time in the Gulf. Even though he is proud of defending the United States, he feels disgusted with himself for taking the lives of other men during Operation Desert Storm. At least he’s redeemed himself in saving the life of Knowle Rohrer, right? Sometimes he doubts that the act of saving a person’s life when so many others have been killed is enough to redeem him.

KRYCEK
Plus, it’s not like the first Gulf
War accomplished much. It sure
as heck didn’t get that Hussein
guy out of power. It took Daddy’s
Boy El Presidente George W. Bush
to do that. This country lost plenty
of innocent lives over issues in the
Middle East that this country had
no right sticking its nose into. Hell,
plenty of innocent Iraqi lives were
lost too because of the US being in
their country. Frickin’ Bush Boy…
he’s just out for the Middle Eastern
oil supply –

Doggett has had enough of Krycek’s bickering.

DOGGETT
- Is there a point to this
discussion, Agent Krycek?

KRYCEK
You know when Daddy Bush
was up for re-election, people
in the Middle East said “no Bush,
no Bush”. That’s because they
know that any Bush in the White
House will bring war to their region.

DOGGETT
I’m sick of your negativity
towards this country.

Krycek shuts up. He wonders if he’s got United States citizenship, that way come November he can vote for Mr. Bush to be out of office. He looks at Doggett, about to make a few more comments, but considering the look on Doggett’s face, he does not. Simply he states:

KRYCEK
(making his point, quiet)
Killing is bad.

Doggett gives him a look: no shit.

KRYCEK
I think I hate being a government
goon. I mean when it comes down
to being ordered to kill friends so
the smoking son-of-a-bitch can
make Scully return to-

Krycek stops himself from saying more. Whoopsie! For a moment there he forgot that Doggett has his memory erased and that he doesn’t remember that he had tried to kill him and Monica.

Doggett gives him a look. Now what is he talking about?

There’s a knock on the office door. Mulder pokes his head in.

MULDER
Alex, can I talk to you?

KRYCEK
Actually, John and I are in
the middle of something.

Doggett stands up.

DOGGETT
Go ahead, Mulder. I’ve got
to go somewhere else anyway.

He smiles at Mulder and then leaves the office. On his way to the parking garage, he hears Mulder say something about Cosmo magazine and women faking orgasms. He rolls his eyes, wondering why Mulder would be reading about something like that.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. AMERICAN GRILL RESTAURANT – 5:40 P.M.

Doggett is sitting alone at a booth. There is a glass of water and a closed menu in front of him. A waiter approaches him.

WAITER
Ready to order, sir?

DOGGETT
Not yet, I’m waiting for someone.

The waiter nods his head and leaves. Doggett takes a sip of water and checks his wristwatch. Barbara (his ex-wife) is ten minutes late.

BARBARA
(off screen)
Hi John.

Doggett looks up at her, smiling.

DOGGETT
(standing)
Hey, I was beginning to worry
about you. (beat) How’ve you been?

Doggett wraps his arms around her and pulls her into a friendly hug.

BARBARA
Good. I’ve been good. You?

They sit down at the table.

DOGGETT
Same as usual.

BARBARA
Overworking youself?

DOGGETT
Wish I could, however I’ve
been shoved right out of the
FBI mainstream. I’m working
in a division called the X-Files.

BARBARA
Which deals with?

DOGGETT
Unsolved cases, paranormal
cases, alien reports. You know,
a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo.

BARBARA
Someone up there must have
noticed your tendency to ignore
your personal life and stuck you
there because they knew there
wouldn’t be too many cases
for you to get preoccupied with.

DOGGETT
I actually have no idea why
I was downgraded to the basement.
I don’t think it has anything to
do with me overworking myself.

A waiter comes and takes down Barbara’s beverage order. Doggett can’t help but smile when he watches her. In some ways so much has changed between them since their divorce eleven years ago. And in some ways, sitting here with her now, it seems as if there hasn’t been so much time and distance between them at all. The waiter leaves.

DOGGETT
You look good.

She smiles, she knows better than to believe that John asked her to dinner only to chit chat.

BARBARA
What’s on your mind, John?

DOGGETT
Nothing.

BARBARA
(aggitated)
It’s about Luke, isn’t it?

DOGGETT
No, I haven’t found anything
new in that case for years.

He lifts his glass of water to his mouth again, trying not to think about how he’s failed his son and Barbara by not having solved that case.

BARBARA
Then what is this about? (beat)
John, we haven’t talked in
years and this morning I get a
call out of the blue, and you’re
asking me to meet you for dinner.

DOGGETT
Just thought I’d reconcile our
friendship. (beat) So what are
you up to lately? Still working
as a psychologist?

BARBARA
No. I stopped doing that about a
year after our divorce. Listening
to the problems of other’s was
more than I could handle at the
time. I went back to college and
got a degree in interior design.

DOGGETT
Interior design… you any good?

Barbara gives him a look. He smiles at her.

DOGGETT
I know, I know, you’re a natural.

BARBARA
You’re not in need of
a designer, are you?

DOGGETT
Nah… I like my place
the way it is.

BARBARA
Books piled against the walls,
pictures resting in frames on
the floor against the wall. I bet
you have your bike inside your
home and not in a garage. I also
bet that your color scheme is earth tones.

DOGGETT
You’ve been spying on
me, haven’t you?

BARBARA
No, I just know you that
well, Johnny. (beat) So
really, why’d you ask
me out tonight?

DOGGETT
To talk.

Barbara reaches out and holds his hand sympathetically.

BARBARA
Johnny, you said you want
to reconcile our friendship.
Did you really mean that you
want to give us another try?

Barbara knows that if this is true, John would have a hard time bringing it up. He has never been good when admitting his feelings for women he cares about.

BARBARA
Because if that’s what this
is all about, you need to know
that I’m seeing someone and
we’re very serious.

Doggett looks into her eyes.

DOGGETT
That’s not what this is about.

This is about him needing to talk about how to deal with losing the two most important women in his life (Dana and Monica). Two women that he loves very much. There’s a hesitated beat.

DOGGETT
I’m just interested in your
friendship, Barbara. (beat)
So what’s this new guy like?

Yes, it does hurt him a bit that she has found happiness with someone new and he has not.

Barbara lets go of his hand and sits back.

BARBARA
His name is Jack. He’s a lawyer.
I met him through Vicki Wells.
I was at a reception following a
trial Martin was involved in. He
won the case. Jack was at the
reception and Vicki introduced
us. We clicked right away. I felt
as if I’d known him for years.

Doggett smiles. He’s happy that Barbara’s life is going well.

DOGGETT
I’m happy for you.

BARBARA
Are you seeing anyone?
Monica mentioned once
that you were head over
heals for some redhead.

DOGGETT
Nah. I’m just not interested
in anyone anymore.

Doggett rubs the back of his neck. Barbara knows this is a sign that he’s uncomfortable or that he’s lying.

BARBARA
John, you know you can’t
expect me to believe that
when you rub the back of
your neck. (beat) What’s her name?

DOGGETT
Doesn’t matter. She died.

Silence.

BARBARA
Oh John… I’m sorry.

DOGGETT
Don’t be. She and I weren’t
ever in a relationship together
so it’s not as if we were close anyway.

BARBARA
But you were, weren’t you?

Doggett says nothing – she’s right.

DOGGETT
Yeah, but you know. What
happened, happened for a
reason. Maybe if she and I had
been together it would have
ended badly, and because she and
I were such close friends, fate
decided to take her away from me
so we couldn’t ruin our friendship
with the complications and
heartache that love brings.

Doggett forces a smile. He doesn’t like to think about how something like fate can intrude on his life.

BARBARA
Do you mind if I ask
how she died?

DOGGETT
I’d rather not talk about it.

BARBARA
Ok. (beat) I haven’t heard
from Monica in months.
How is she doing?

Barbara figures talking about Monica will brighten the mood. She is wrong.

DOGGETT
She died in the same car
accident that Dana did.

Barbara is speechless, she doesn’t know what to say to him. He’s lost his best friend and the woman he loves. Barbara knows he doesn’t handle death well.

She stands up and goes to sit by his side. She gives him a hug. He does not allow himself to break down the wall he likes to have up around him. He remains as emotionless as possible.

Doggett did invite her to dinner so he could find a way to talk about Monica and Dana, but now that the opportunity to do so is present. He’s decided that he’d rather continue to bottle up his emotion and pretend he is not devastated by what has happened, and he sure as heck doesn’t want to bring up the struggle he has had with alcohol recently or his nightmares of the Gulf War, Luke’s death and the car accident that killed Dana and Monica. He feels he is doing fine on his own in that regard.

DOGGETT
I’m fine, Barbara, really.

He gently releases her hold on him.

Barbara looks at him. She knows that he is hurting inside. She sees it in his eyes. His soul never lies. She knows that he’s not fine. He’s lying to her now just as he did when Luke had been found dead in a field in the fall of 1993. He wants to talk, to let out all his emotions, but he’s too proud of himself to do this in front of other people. She worries that he’s fallen into the habit of coping through overworking himself, or worse… resorting to alcohol to calm himself.

Barbara returns to her seat at the other side of the table.

DOGGETT
I’m just finding it hard to have
friends that were as close to
me as Mon’ and Dana were.

BARBARA
You know you can call me
anytime you need a friend, all right?

Doggett nods his head, but knows that he won’t be calling her if he ever feels like talking to anyone.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAO’S CHINESE RESTAURANT – 7:00 P.M.

Kim Cook stands outside enjoying the cool summer breeze as Skinner pays their dinner bill inside.

Skinner’s been acting strange all night – he’s been unable to hold eye contact with her, he’s fidgety, nervous and he kept excusing himself from their table to make visits to the “little boys room”. At first she thought he may be sick, but changed her mind as she watched him scarf down his meal. There has to be something bothering him and she is determined to find out what it is.

Skinner exits the restaurant behind her.

SKINNER
Ready to go?

Kim turns around, smiling.

KIM
Why don’t we take a walk.
I think there’s a nice little
park just a couple of blocks from here.

SKINNER
Well… um…

KIM
Aw, come on. A little extra
exercise can’t hurt you. Plus
it could help you get back
into shape.

SKINNER
I guess you’re right.

He wraps his arm over her shoulders. They start walking down the sidewalk.

KIM
So you know what I was thinking?

SKINNER
That I should lay off the
Rogain since it hasn’t
really been working.

KIM
Yeah, that and that maybe
one day you could meet my parents.

SKINNER
Parents? Don’t you think it’s
too soon for meeting parents?

KIM
Well, we’ve been together
for a year now.

SKINNER
Gosh, has it been that
long already?

He stops walking and gets down on one knee in front of Kim.

SKINNER
Kimmy, you know I love you
very much. Will you marry me?

Skinner reaches into his coat pocket and takes out the diamond engagement ring.

Kim is a bit surprised by this. A proposal is very unexpected. She doesn’t know how to respond.

SKINNER
(not using his brain)
I had it engraved.

He hands her the ring. Kim looks at the engravement, not understanding it.

KIM
(reading)
“Turtle! Eek!”?

Skinner’s eyes go wide, he didn’t really ever want her to read the engravement that was a joke between him and Scully. Whoopsie!

KIM
What is that supposed to mean?

SKINNER
Erm…

Skinner stands up.

SKINNER
Ok, I’ll be honest. I’ve had
that ring for a very long time,
Kim. I meant it to be for Dana, but
um… er… gee, you know, I
never got around to asking Dana
to marry me. The engravement is
something private between Dana
and I. So why don’t you pretend
it doesn’t even exist.

Skinner goes back down on one knee in front of her.

SKINNER
Will you marry me?

Kim can’t believe him. Giving her Dana’s old engagement ring!

KIM
I-I can’t, Walter. I’m sorry.

She hands him the ring. Now it is Skinner’s turn to be confused.

SKINNER
What? Why not?

Kim quickly starts walking away from him, wiping tears from her eyes. Skinner follows.

SKINNER
Kimberly? What’s wrong?

KIM
You don’t love me!
You never have!

She is yelling at him, he didn’t expect this.

SKINNER
What?

KIM
Stop playing stupid, Walter.
If Dana were still alive, you’d
leave me in an instant if she
showed a sliver of interest in you.

SKINNER
I would not.

KIM
Don’t give me that crap. You’ll
always love her and you know it.
It’s no secret that she and I are
physically similar, right down to
size, shape and hair color.

Skinner doesn’t know what to say.

KIM
What am I to you?
A Dana replacement?

SKINNER
No. (beat) I may still love
Dana, but that doesn’t mean
that I love you less than her.

Kim rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

SKINNER
You don’t want to marry
me because you’re my
Dana replacement? That’s
just silly Kim.

Kim turns her back to him and walks off. She is angry that he just stated the fact that she is his Dana replacement – well, at least that’s the way she’s interpreting what he has said to her.

Skinner doesn’t know what to do. He’ll just let her go for now. Let her cool down before he proposes again. He shoves his hands in his pockets and shuffles back to his car. It’s a good thing Kim lives near here, otherwise he’d be worried about letting her walk home alone.

CUT TO:

INT. MULDER/KRYCEK’S APARTMENT – 8:00 P.M.

Krycek is out momentarily and Mulder is in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Despite the early hour of the evening, he is in his Rocky and Bullwinkle pajamas.

He leaves the kitchen, licking peanut butter off of his fingers. He takes a seat on the couch next to Diana. She is watching a movie on TNT. She looks at Mulder. She loves him very much, but so much time has changed him. She can no longer imagine herself until death do them part, but it is her duty to stay with him to keep his mind off of what really happened to Scully and Monica.

DIANA
Fox?

MULDER
Yeah?

DIANA
You were just making up that
story about Alex kissing you, right?

MULDER
No. He did.

DIANA
You two haven’t been…
experimental, have you?

MULDER
No. He’s just fun to pick on.
He’s so insecure about himself.

DIANA
I see. How did it happen?

MULDER
Well, one night a few weeks
ago he came to me saying
that I should leave you because
he doesn’t like you. I told him
I won’t leave you and he got mad.

Mulder bites into his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

MULDER
So he hears footsteps coming
down the hallway and he jumps
on top of me and sticks his tongue
down my throat.

DIANA
Ew… I thought you said
he attached his lips to yours?

MULDER
I said that so not to embarrass
him further. I’m a good friend you know.

DIANA
So what happened next?

MULDER
The person walking down the
hallway was Spender. He walked
in on Alex kissing me and he
didn’t try to save me. Some brother he is.

Mulder pouts.

DIANA
Why did Alex kiss you?

MULDER
I’m not sure really, he got
mad and went into the
bathroom and slammed the door.

The door to the apartment swings open and Krycek and Marita enter.

KRYCEK
Howdy pard’ners!

MARITA
We just went country line
dancing. We are thinking
of creating an ice dance
program to country music
for our competitive program
for the 2006 Torino Olympics.

Krycek and Marita smile at Mulder and Diana.

MARITA
Mulder, Alex told me how you
two got in trouble for flushing
water balloons. I just have to say
that I’m disappointed in you.
Super Buddies should know better.
Plus making potty-room messes
is no way to get the Janitor to be
a member of Super Buddies.

KRYCEK
Yeah!

MULDER
Oh my gosh! I never thought
of that! I really think Jan
would be a great addition to
Super Buddies.

DIANA
(smirking)
So Alex, why did you French
kiss my husband a few weeks ago?

Krycek’s eyes open as wide as they possibly can, perhaps more than they should.

KRYCEK
(angry)
I would never ever EVER
do something like that!
I like women! I love women!
I’m Da Man! Dammit!

Diana stands up and goes to Alex, she hugs him. He wrinkles up his face with disgust.

KRYCEK
Ah! Ugly wench!

DIANA
See, you don’t like women.
You obviously don’t like me.

Krycek jumps backward away from her. He’s terrified.

DIANA
Come on Alex, why’d
you do it?

KRYCEK
I didn’t. I swear. Mulder’s
lying to you dammit!

MULDER
Alex. Stop lying to us and
tell the truth.

MARITA
You’re a homosexual…?

Krycek is not happy that Marita is thinking this.

KRYCEK
Ok fine! I kissed him.

Marita, Diana and Mulder laugh.

KRYCEK
Not because I wanted to.
Because I had to.

Diana and Marita look at Mulder. He shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t know what Krycek is talking about.

KRYCEK
I wanted Diana to catch Mulder
cheating on her and I thought
I heard her coming so in a desperate
attempt to end their marriage, I lept
onto Mulder and kissed him.

They laugh harder.

MARITA
So who’s better him or me?

KRYCEK
You!

MARITA
We haven’t kissed in forever, Alex!
How do you know? You love Mulder!

DIANA
Alex, you really shouldn’t
throw yourself at married
men. I’ll forgive you this
time, but if it happens again
I’ll make you mud wrestle
me for him. Ok?

Krycek is angry that they are picking on him.

KRYCEK
Shut up. I would never want
to mud wrestle you. That’d
be like mud wrestling Chewbacca
of Star Wars.

MULDER
Hey, Star Wars – the originals -
are coming out on DVD this November.

KRYCEK
Dude! I know! I can’t wait
to see “Return of the Jedi”.
I just worship when the Princess
is in that sexy little thing with
the glob of lard guy.

MULDER
Jabba?

DIANA
You know, Alex. I have something
similar to that sexy little thing that
Princess Leia wore. Right Mulder?

Mulder blushes. Diana takes hold of his hand and leads him toward the bedroom.

DIANA
Goodnight, Marita.
Goodnight, Alex.

She shuts the bedroom door behind them.

Krycek plops down on the couch. He’s not happy. Marita joins him and rests her head against his shoulder.

MARITA
What’s the matter Snuggums?

KRYCEK
That woman. She keeps
picking on me. (beat) Say…
you know we could run off
to Vegas, get married and move
in together, right?

Marita smiles and kisses Krycek’s cheek. He looks down at her.

MARITA
How was your first kiss?

KRYCEK
Sexy.

MARITA
How could it be sexy if
you started being sexual so early?

KRYCEK
Because back then, I can’t
count all those kisses because
they didn’t mean anything.

MARITA
What was her name?

KRYCEK
Doesn’t matter.

MARITA
It was Dana, wasn’t it?

KRYCEK
No, but you know her.

MARITA
I do?

She looks Alex in the eye, trying to read his thoughts.

KRYCEK
(quiet)
Of course you do…

He cups her face in his hand and leans in and kisses her gently on the mouth. Marita responds to him hesitantly. Krycek starts lying her down on her back on the couch. His hand slides from her face to her neck and to the top button of her blouse. He undoes it.

Marita breaks away from his kiss. She’s breathless.

MARITA
Alex…

KRYCEK
Yeah baby…

He nuzzles his head into her neck. He unbuttons the second button of her blouse.

MARITA
I need to get going, all right?

She places her hand on his, stopping him from further unbuttoning her shirt. He sits up as does she.

KRYCEK
Is it something I did?

Marita smiles at him with sympathy in her eyes.

MARITA
Well… you did kiss Mulder.

She winks at him as she rebuttons her shirt.

MARITA
Actually I’ve got an
appointment tomorrow morning.

KRYCEK
Oh. I see. (beat/hesitant)
When can we continue with this?

Marita smiles with a twinkle in her eye.

MARITA
Later.

She kisses him on the cheek and leaves the apartment.

Krycek remains seated as the apartment door closes. In the quiet apartment – all he can hear is the faint sound of the bed rhythmically squeaking in the bedroom Diana and Mulder are in. He stands up and goes into the kitchen to find something to eat.

He opens the refrigerator door. There’s plenty of food to eat since Diana moved in with them. Most of it low in calories and fat. Some low-carb meals. He shuts the door.

KRYCEK
Blech! I hate fads.

The phone in the apartment rings. Krycek picks up.

KRYCEK
Hello.

SKINNER
(muffled)
It’s me, Skinner.

KRYCEK
Kinda late for you to
be callin’ here. What’s up?

Krycek opens the refrigerator door again and takes out milk. He grabs a glass from the cupboard and pours himself a drink.

SKINNER
I made a big mistake.

KRYCEK
What kind of mistake?

SKINNER
I proposed to Kim.

KRYCEK
(happy)
Hey! Congrats man!

SKINNER
She said no.

Krycek goes really, really quiet.

SKINNER
I reused the engagement ring
that I gave to Dana the two
times she and I were engaged.

KRYCEK
That was stupid.

SKINNER
I’m so cheap. What the
hell is wrong with me?

KRYCEK
You know Kim is the one
and the side of you that is
afraid of commitment decided
to screw things up.

SKINNER
You think?

KRYCEK
I know. I did the same
thing many times with
Marita and I. Granted I
was never engaged to her.

SKINNER
What should I do?
Propose to her again
and get a new ring?

Krycek almost spits out the milk he has in his mouth.

KRYCEK
Geez! You’re like Mister
Proposal. (beat) You need
to take time and work things
out with her. Show her that
you love her despite trying
to reuse a ring you got for
Dana.

SKINNER
Maybe you’re right.

KRYCEK
I am right. (beat) I may act
like an ignorant fool, but
I know how to handle situations
like a mature adult. In fact,
Marita and I are slowly working
our way back into a relationship,
and there’s no way in hell that
I’m going to screw it up this time.
Life’s too short to muck around.

SKINNER
Kim won’t answer her phone.
She has caller ID.

KRYCEK
Just let her cool down.
Women love to overreact
to make men prove their
love to them. Take a look
at Marita, for example.

Skinner and Krycek laugh.

SKINNER
I should let you go. I need
to go through my boxes of
Dana stuff and get rid of
things that I don’t need anymore.

KRYCEK
Like those tapes of her singing?

SKINNER
Yeah…

KRYCEK
Well I’ll see you tomorrow.

SKINNER
Ok. Bye.

Krycek hangs up the phone and goes into the living room and sits on the couch. Poor Walter, he keeps screwing up the relationships he gets into. Krycek rubs his hand over the top of his head. In some ways he and Skinner are very alike. Hopefully that doesn’t mean that he’ll be losing hair on the top of his head anytime soon. A wrinkle of worry forms on Krycek’s forehead. He can’t imagine what life would be like if he started to go bald. He loves his sexy hair.

There’s a loud bang on the wall behind him as the headboard of Mulder and Diana’s bed hits the wall. A picture behind him falls off the wall and onto the ground.

Krycek glares behind him and pounds his fist on the wall.

KRYCEK
Have some decency why don’t you!

He picks up the remote control to the television and turns on TV Land. “Mr. Ed” is on. He sits back and sips at his glass of milk as he watches “Mr. Ed”. He turns up the volume when he realizes that Diana and Mulder are not quieting down. Hopefully one day, Mulder and Diana will both realize how rude they are being. Maybe he should find a place of his own, or help Marita find a new apartment to live in and then spend more time being with her. She had expressed to him earlier that she wanted to get herself a one bedroom apartment. The one she’s in right now is far too big for her now that Scully and Monica are gone.

Krycek finishes his glass of milk and he sets the empty glass on the coffee table. He lies down on his side and gets comfortable. Perhaps he’ll fall asleep here and not have to listen to Mulder and Diana.

FADE OUT:

THE END.


 

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