"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Five

Title: "British Airways Flight 329"
Written by: Cassie & Kristi
Date: First draft: July 23, 2002 – July 25, 2002; Final: March 9, 2003
Air Date: March 10, 2003
Rating: PG
Series: FRVS - Episode #099
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: E-mail us at foxandratvs@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS).
Author's Note: In this episode, the events of 9/11 never happened. Well… in terms of airline security. The land of FRVS is a much happier world. Ya know... Super Buddies!

Summary: The revealing mystery behind Marita's betrothal. The gang heads to England for her wedding.

Zeke Ramone's Review:
Awesome final episode of "Fox & Rat" season 5! All I know is that I would really really love to be on Flight 329 with the gang... the fun never stops... well... kind of. ;) Poor Doggett and his fear of heights we learned he had at the beginning of the season. This is a great finale and Mulder is frickin' hillarious! Enjoy this final episode of season 5!


FADE IN:

INT. SCULLY/MONICA/MARITA’S APT. – THURSDAY NIGHT (8 P.M.)
JULY 3, 2003

Marita is sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, a feather duster (pink) is in her hand, she is supposed to be dusting. She is not, instead, she is focused on the television. We hold on her face, her jaw dropped wide open, in awe of what she is watching.

1st MAN ON T.V.
(voice over)
Don’t you get it? I’m absolutely positive me
and my co-pilot and those two kids were
abducted… but I can’t be sure it actually happened.
I can’t be sure of anything anymore.

2nd MAN ON T.V.
(voice over)
What do you mean?

1st MAN ON T.V.
(voice over)
I mean – I’m not sure we’re even having
this conversation. I don’t know if these
mashed potatoes are really here. I don’t
even know if you even exist.

2nd MAN ON T.V.
(voice over)
I can only assure you that I do.

1st MAN ON T.V.
(voice over)
Well, thanks buddy. Unfortunately, I can’t
give you the same assurance about me.

SUDDENLY! The front door of the apartment flies open and Scully slams it shut, leaning against it. Her eyes are bugged wide open. Marita jumps upon her entry, she was scared of the loud slamming noise.

SCULLY
(low squeaky voice)
Marita…

MARITA
So how was your get-together with John?

SCULLY
(confused)
I’m so confused…

Scully enters the living room and sits on the couch, next to Marita. She lets out a heavy sigh and stares at the television. She blinks her eyes a couple times and looks in disbelief at the television screen.

POV – SCULLY

A man who looks a lot like Mulder is on the screen, he’s eating sweet potatoe pie.

Scully blinks her eyes again and focuses her attention back to Marita.

SCULLY
Anyway… umm… John and I went
out for coffee, went back to his place,
and then…

MARITA
And then…?

SCULLY
The conversation got interesting…

MARITA
(jumping to conclusions)
You two had phone sex while sitting
on the couch together?

SCULLY
(horrified)
No! What kind of girl do you think
I am?!

MARITA
Oh…

They sit there in silence. The look on Marita’s face tells us that she’d like to tell Scully exactly what kind of girl she really thinks she is. She doesn’t open her big fat mouth though, remembering that she promised Mulder that she would behave herself after all the unfortunate immaturity on Goofy Spooky a while ago (when she was calling Scully a “slut” and said other really rude things about her).

SCULLY
(quiet)
I told him that I’m ready to find a man
that is actually good for me. (beat) He got
nervous, and for a good three minutes, he
tried to attempt to say something to me, his
mouth hanging open, scratching the back of
his neck, itching his nose… it wasn’t pretty.
(beat) Monica told me that if he was presented
with the correct moment, he would… well, ya know,
do something about him and me.

MARITA
Dana. Don’t you remember? You said you didn’t
want to date anymore of your friends. John is
your friend, so therefore you can’t be with him.
(beat/thinks) You know since Walter and I are
over, I could go out with John. (beat/thinks)
Marita Lynn Doggett… I like the sound of that.

Marita happily sighs, Scully glares at her.

SCULLY
Marita. You’re betrothed.

Marita shrugs her shoulders, oh well.

CUT TO:

INT. FBI BASEMENT – JANITOR’S LOUNGE – 8:30 P.M.

Robert Alfredo and Alex Krycek are hanging out, playing video games, Mario Cart. They are sitting indian-style on the floor in front of a television.

KRYCEK
Are you sure you don’t want to get
on Goofy Spooky Message Board
and see if Nadia is on? She’s really
cool. I think you’d like her a lot.

ALFREDO
Are you pursuing an online relationship?

KRYCEK
No. She’s fun to flirt with. I’m waiting
for Marita to grow up. In the meantime
there is nothing wrong with being extra
nice to other women.

ALFREDO
Marita is nice, what do you mean you’re
waiting for her to grow up?

KRYCEK
It’s a long story, and rather complicated.
I’d rather not talk about it.

ALFREDO
So how are you doing with our little bet?

Krycek lifts his chest with pride and smirks at Robert Alfredo.

KRYCEK
Things are going along perfectly.
I’ll win this one with no problem.

ALFREDO
You know I’ve already been through
Monica, right?

Krycek’s eyes go wide. Dang! He’s behind!

Of course you are wondering what the bet is between Robert Alfredo and Alex Krycek. However would it really be like us to let you know right away? We don’t think so.

At this moment, the door to the Janitor Lounge opens and John Doggett enters. He’s wearing jeans and a black t-shirt and looking rather glum. His hair is messy and he is distraught.

Alfredo and Krycek look at him, wondering what his problem is. Why is John Doggett at the office on a Friday night?

KRYCEK
What are you doing here?

ALFREDO
(re: how Doggett looks)
You couldn’t have just woken up.
Unless it was on the wrong side
of the bed…

DOGGETT
No.

ALFREDO
I see. (beat) What’s her name?

Doggett sits on the couch, behind Alfredo and Krycek. He lets out a sigh.

DOGGETT
I just don’t get it. (beat) What is it
about women that make them get
up and leave in the middle of an
important moment in a could-be relationship?

ALFREDO
This is about Agent Scully, right?

Doggett nods his head, confirming that Alfredo is right.

DOGGETT
Who else?

KRYCEK
John, you really need to learn a few
moves to get the women you want.

Krycek and Alfredo share an evil look, they are inspired to help John out with his Scully problem.

DOGGETT
I’ve got moves…

ALFREDO
Name one.

DOGGETT
It’s not really a move, per se, more
a sequence of events.

KRYCEK
Spit it out, Doggman.

DOGGETT
Dana came over to my place after I
took her out for coffee.

KRYCEK
All right! You got her to your place!

DOGGETT
I never got to make my move because
she caught me off-guard by telling me
she is ready to find a good man, the
right man for her. (beat) She gave me a look.

KRYCEK
Did you ask her out?

DOGGETT
I didn’t have a chance. She left just
as I was about to be sporadic and ask
her out right then and there.

ALFREDO
You let the moment pass, didn’t you?
Monica told me you’re as slow as a
snail when it comes to starting a relationship.

KRYCEK
Yeah… (laughs) You probably sat in front
of her with a constipated look on your face.
That would scare me away, it’s probably what
scared Dana away.

Doggett gives them a look.

DOGGETT
Guys, I haven’t dated in over ten years –

ALFREDO
- No excuse, here’s what you do the next
time the moment presents itself. (beat) Take
Dana into your arms –

KRYCEK
- Preferably on a slightly windy day –

ALFREDO
- And you hold her close and right before
you kiss her you say –

KRYCEK
- Give me some sugar, baby.

Doggett continues listening to them, unamused. Their scene is NOT what he had envisioned for himself and Scully. If only his Paris, France setting could be possible, then he’d be able to do it.

CUT TO: NEXT DAY

INT. SHIBAN’S CAFÉ – 1 P.M.

Monica and Marita are sitting at a table, outside. It’s a bright and sunny day.

MARITA
… she kept me up all night talking about
this. (imitates Scully) I like him, but does he really
like me like I like him? What am I supposed to do if
he doesn’t do anything? And oh! He’s so cute and
has a nice body. (stops, sighs) Monica, she’s
losing her mind over him. It’s pathetic.

Marita picks up her cup of coffee and downs it, her hand is shaking from all the caffeine intake that day. Monica watches on, wondering what they should do about Dana. In her own Reyes Opinion – the most respected and honored of opinions – Monica believes Dana needs to get her mind off of Johnny Jay Doggett.

Marita’s hand continues to shake as she gulps down more coffee.

MONICA
(takes coffee away from Marita)
You’ve had enough. (beat) Ok, so here’s what
I’m thinking… Dana just needs to get her mind
off of John for a while. He’s a slow one and she
isn’t used to that. So perhaps we could get her
into a short-term relationship that we know wouldn’t
work so that we can scare John into acting upon
his feelings for her. Dana being with another would
definitely convince him that he needs to go for what
he wants, not hold back like some half-witted ninny.

MARITA
Maybe we should take her to the Carribean or
Europe for a week vacation and find her some exotic man.

Marita suddenly jumps out of her seat in a panic.

MONICA
What now?

MARITA
Oh my goodness me! I forgot
to let everyone know!

MONICA
Know what?

MARITA
I got us all tickets to London, so
you all can be guests at my wedding!
(beat) Oh Monica! Tell me you’d be
honored to be my Maid of Honor.
Oh say you will.

MONICA
You mean you don’t want Dana to-

MARITA
- Heavens no! After the Walter thing,
I don’t feel comfortable asking her
to be my Maid of Honor.

Marita grabs Monica’s hand, makes her stand up and she leads her out of the café.

CUT TO:

INT. MULDER/KRYCEK’S APT. – 20 MINUTES LATER

Mulder, Krycek and Skinner are shooting Eight Ball on the boys’ billiards table in between the foyer and the living room.

Krycek is cheating. When Mulder isn’t paying attention, Krycek skillfully slides his balls into the table pockets. Skinner gives him a look but doesn’t say anything.

SUDDENLY! Their apartment door flies open. Marita and Monica run in.

MARITA
Quick! Pack for a London vacation!
Our flight leaves in six hours! We have
to be at Dulles in four hours!

MULDER
(jumps happily)
Oh goodie! A Super Buddy trip!

MONICA
No. We’re going to London for
Marita’s wedding to that Westly guy.

Krycek freezes in his last assumed position upon hearing this. He is in the process of crawling across the billiards table, reaching for the eight ball.

SKINNER
(bitter)
That’s wonderful. Will we be meeting
this mystery man before the ceremony?

MARITA
(happy)
Of course, silly.

TIME CUT: 45 MINUTES LATER

EXT. SCULLY/MONICA/MARITA’S APT.

Doggett is outside the apartment door. He’s pacing. Once he’s mustered up his nerve and courage, he knocks, hesitantly.

After a beat, Scully answers the door. Upon seeing him, her smile lessens and she doesn’t know what to say.

DOGGETT
Dana? I have an idea…

John lets himself into the apartment, Scully shuts the door behind him.

DOGGETT
(nervous/scratching his neck)
How about you and me take a few
days off and take a vacation in Baja.
Just you and me.

He looks at her with nervous hope, rubbing his hands together without realizing he is doing so.

SCULLY
(hesitant)
Well, umm… I don’t know what to say…

And she has no chance to figure out how to put her feelings about this and other situations concerning herself and John into words because Marita, Monica, Skinner, Mulder and Krycek enter the apartment, talking loudly. They are excited.

MONICA
(to John and Dana)
Pack up you two, we’re goin’ to England.

MARITA
Yes, I’m to be married on Tuesday!

MULDER
It’s gonna be so much fun!

KRYCEK
Is prostitution legal in London?

SKINNER
(mumbles)
She doesn’t even have a photo
of this Westly guy…

Mulder and Krycek file into the kitchen to eat any food that may go bad during the time they are gone. Monica goes with them to supervise.

Skinner plops down on the couch.

Scully and Doggett look at each other in disbelief. These people have such awful timing. They interrupted another important moment of this could-be relationship.

Monica pokes her head out of the kitchen and gasps when she sees that Doggett and Scully are just standing there in the middle of the living room. She marches up to Doggett and pushes him out of the apartment and makes him leave to go home and pack. She goes with him. The apartment door shuts.

Skinner looks at Scully.

SKINNER
You better get packing.

She looks at him, he’s smiling at her in a friendly way. More friendly than he has in a very long time.

TIME CUT: 4 HOURS LATER

INT. BRITISH AIRWAYS FLIGHT 329, DULLES TO HEATHROW

The gang (Mulder, Krycek, Skinner, Scully, Doggett, Monica and Marita) have taken their seats.

Next to the window on the left side of the aircraft is Monica, next to her is John and next to him (in the aisle seat) is Dana.

Across the aisle from them (in the center section) sit Krycek (aisle), Mulder, Marita and Skinner.

Mulder is paying much attention to the stewardess as she demonstrates what to do in an emergency situation. He is mimicking her motions. He reaches up to grab the oxygen mask, but it is not there, a look of panic hits his face.

Doggett is nervous, ok, scared. He doesn’t like flying in passenger airplances, he can handle military aircraft… he doesn’t know why. Why did Monica’s brothers have to condition him at such a young age to be afraid of heights? He looks to his left at Monica, she is keeping the window shade open, so she can look out as they takeoff. He looks to his right at Scully, she is calm and is flipping through the inflight magazine.

The doors to the plane shut and Doggett can feel the pressure as they are sealed tight. Locking him in, no chance of a last minute escape. His hands grip the armrests of his seat. He squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath.

Monica watches him, unamused. She had thought his fear of heights was a phase he had when he was in high school.

MONICA
John. Stop acting like a baby.

He doesn’t acknowledge her.

SCULLY
(leans over to John)
Mon’, be nice. John is scared
of heights.

MONICA
I know. He needs to get over it.
It’s only going to hold him back
from having fun in England…
You think we’ll be able to take a quick
trip around other European nations?
I just know John would love to
visit Paris. (beat) Of course he’d have to
get over being up high to achieve a certain goal.

Monica glares at Doggett. He feels her cold stare and opens his eyes to look at her.

PILOT
(voice over)
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.

Doggett’s eyes go wide. He looks at Monica with desperation.

The plane starts making its way down the runway, faster and faster. As it lifts into the air, they are pressed back into the back of their seats.

MULDER
Weeeeee! Yippy tai-yai yay!

Doggett has closed his eyes and is muttering something to himself. Monica is laughing at him, she’s highly amused.

MONICA
John, you should go up front and
be the flights stand-up act!

She continues laughing.

Once the plane is leveled off, the flight attendants begin servicing passengers. For example, Mulder. He is frustrated with the buttons on his armrest, he hits the steward button to get help.

A steward approaches him.

STEWARD
How may I help you sir?

MULDER
Oh no, I was just seeing if any of
these buttons make musical noises.
Ya know, just in case I get bored later.

Mulder grabs an air sickness bag from in front of him and proceeds to read the directions on the back. The steward leaves him.

Next to Mulder, we see Marita glaring at him. The air from the little valve above her keeps turning on and off and on and off. She sets down the in-flight magazine in her lap.

MARITA
Fox, darling. Stop playing with
the buttons. You’re regulating
my air conditioning. I’m cold.

Embarrassed, Mulder drops the air sickness bag to the floor. Embarrassed yet again by having done that, he quickly bends down to pick it up. His head smacks up against the seat in front of him, causing a man (late 40s) to bite down on his tongue, it starts to bleed (he is chewing gum). This man’s wife, then freaks out and stands up shouting “Waiter! Waiter!” until a steward comes to their aid.

Mulder settles down and turns to Marita. He doesn’t know what he has caused to happen in front of him.

MULDER
So what is the in-flight movie?

Marita flips to the movie section of her magazine.

MARITA
The Princess Bride. (she giggles)
I’m gonna be a bride.

MULDER
The most lovely of them all.

Off their Marita-praise “conversation”, we pan across Krycek. He is plugging his ears, disgusted by the Marita-as-bride conversation. We now join the conversation between Monica and Scully, across the aisle from Krycek.

Though they have been in the air well over 37 minutes, Doggett is still gripping his armrest and muttering to himself.

SCULLY
(whispers)
Monica… what is he muttering?

MONICA
(whispers)
It’s just a little chant he does to
help his nerves when flying.

Scully nods in understandment.

MONICA
If he didn’t, he’d be throwing up
constantly. (beat) He’s very odd.

SCULLY
Is there anything I can do to help him?

Monica thinks.

MONICA
I’m not sure. When he stops chanting
talk to him. Keep his mind occupied.

SCULLY
Can’t he hear us now?

MONICA
No. He’s what you would call
in “the zone”.

SCULLY
Oh.

Monica takes a sip of her water.

MONICA
Oh yeah, we might have to remind
him to breathe.

Scully’s eyes go wide, scared for John. She reaches over and grabs his wrist to check his pulse. Good, he’s still alive.

From behind Scully, she hears a Darth Vadar-esque breathing technique. She slowly turns around and there’s Mulder.

SCULLY
Mulder? What’s wrong with you?

MULDER
(gets on his knees at her side)
Scully, all this air travel makes me think
of Samantha and how she traveled through
outer-space with aliens. Aliens, Scully, aliens.
(beat) I have a plan. I overheard the pilot on the
radio with my headphones. He was saying that
Steven Spielberg is seated in First Class. I think
I’m gonna find a way to this first class and ask
Mr. Spielberg some questions. Maybe he can
help me find Samantha.

And with that, Mulder stands up and leaves.

Scully is about to go after hjm to stop him. Then she feels John grab her arm. She looks at him, his eyes are full of panic.

DOGGETT
(hoarse)
Dana. Something is wrong.

SCULLY
(concerned)
Do you need to throw up?

He shakes his head “no”.

SCULLY
(concerned)
Do you feel faint?

DOGGETT
My throat is really dry all of a sudden.

SCULLY
That’s because the air is dry. That’s
a normal reaction to air travel –

DOGGETT
- and I’m havin’ trouble hearing.

SCULLY
Have you popped your ears recently?

His eyes go wide.

MONICA
Johnny doesn’t like doing that.

DOGGETT
(embarrassed)
Monica!

Scully pulls out her carryon bag and pulls out chewing gum.

SCULLY
(to John)
Here, chew on this.

She hands him the gum, winterfresh.

DOGGETT
I don’t have bad breath,
I said I can’t hear well.

SCULLY
John, just take it. Trust me.

He takes it and starts chewing. He nods his head to express that it is helping him hear better. Dana really knows her stuff.

SCULLY
I’ll call a steward and have him
bring you some water.

She hits the call button on her armrest.

TIME CUT: 2 HOURS LATER

We see Scully walking with Doggett to the back of the plane, to the restrooms. He holds her hand for support.

Mulder is not in his seat, and Marita and Skinner are watching an in-flight news program recorded from the BBC.

We do not see Monica or Krycek, until SUDDENLY they come running down the aisles. Mon’ on one side and Krycek on the other.

Krycek trips and falls over the foot of a devious child. He lands with a loud THUD. Monica makes it to the back of the plane first, she jumps up and down, pumping her fists in the air. She and Alex had been racing. Monica has won.

MONICA
I won!

A few passengers are applauding Monica’s “accomplishment”. She does a victory dance and curtsies. Behind her a stewardess stands, not pleased with her behavior. The stewardess crosses her arms and glares at Monica.

Monica stops, feeling an “evil” presence. She turns around, smiles at the stewardess and returns to her seat. Monica sits down and presses the steward button on her armrest. The “Evil” Stewardess comes to see what she wants.

EVIL STEWARDESS
(as polite as possible)
Yes?

MONICA
(hyper/innocently annoying)
May I go to the restroom?

EVIL STEWARDESS
(unamused)
Yes.

Monica gets up and goes to the back of the plane. She sees Krycek stealing the mini alcohol bottles.

Then Scully and Doggett step out of the same restroom. Doggett is shaken. Monica and Krycek’s eyes widen, surprised to see that Doggett and Scully were in the same restroom at the same time… could it be? Is it possible? Did they join the Mile High Club? Monica doubts it but Krycek wants to believe that this is true. They don’t say anything to John and Dana.

DOGGETT
(worried/to Dana)
All that bumping was just turbulence, right?

Scully rolls her eyes and holds his hand, they head back to their seats.

SCULLY
John, didn’t you travel on military craft
before, when you were with the Marines?

DOGGETT
We had ships… and helicopters. The
one time I was on a plane in the Marines,
Shannon was there and she kept me
occupied, so to speak.

They take their seats.

Krycek and Monica give each other another look. Krycek is smiling and nodding his head in perverted approval. Monica gives him a look to cut it out.

KRYCEK
Ya know, Mon’. These economy class
seats really are uncomfortable. You can
never get in a good position, so your butt
numbs. (beat/sighs) If only there were some
sort of high physical exercise we could do…

He looks seductively at Monica.

MONICA
Alex… are you suggesting what
I think you’re suggesting?

KRYCEK
I know of this airline club-

MONICA
- Mile High? I’m aware of it.

KRYCEK
Well, do you wanna?

Monica gives him a disgusted look as she walks away from him. Krycek is disappointed. A sexy British woman (late 20s) comes up behind him.

BRITISH WOMAN
Are you in line?

Krycek smiles at her… his dirty smile.

CUT TO:

INT. COCKPIT

Mulder is sitting in between the Pilot and Co-Pilot. Mulder is “playing” 1000 Questions. He points to a button.

MULDER
What does that do?

PILOT
Turns on the fasten seatbelt light.

MULDER
(points to another button)
What about that one? You guys have a nice
view here. When do you eat? Do you have
better food? ‘Cuz frankly, the food sucks. When
do you pee? When you sleep, who drives the plane?

CO-PILOT
Auto-pilot.

MULDER
What if that fails and no one wakes up?
Do we plummet to our deaths? Do you have
toys or model airplanes to hand out to kids?
I would love to have that kind of toy. You
know, like in the movies –

PILOT
- No, we don’t.

MULDER
That’s too bad. (beat) Can I try flying?
Am I bothering you? If I am, I’ll just sit
back and watch.

PILOT
If you go back to your seat, that would
be better. We’re coming up to a patch
of violet turbulence.

Mulder spots something and leans forward, his arms outstretched.

MULDER
(eager)
What does that do?

CUT TO: BACK OF PLANE

Skinner steps out of a restroom and stretches his arms above his head. He passes another restroom and hears the voices of the British Woman and Alex Krycek.

BRITISH WOMAN
(exhaspirated)
Oh my GOD! YES! OH MY GOD!

KRYCEK
That’s right baby, I’m DA MAN!
I’M NUMBER ONE!

The door to the restroom is being pounded against. Skinner quickly walks away.

KRYCEK
(rhythmic)
Almost. Better. Than. Lust. Buddy.

Skinner takes his seat just as the plane hits turbulence and drops 1000 ft. Making everyone’s stomachs drop.

Scully giggles uncontrollably because of this and Doggett is about to scream, but a silly smile forms on his face instead.

DOGGETT
That wasn’t too bad…

Scully smiles at him and holds his hand.

SCULLY
See, you’re gettin’ the hang of
this air travel thing.

DOGGETT
(confident)
Yeah, maybe I am.

Monica returns to her seat, stepping across John and Dana. Behind them, we see Krycek returning to his seat as well. He looks needy.

KRYCEK
Monica… I just banged this British babe
How about you and I gettin’ it on? Yeah baby.

MONICA
(irritated)
No, Alex.

KRYCEK
Please.

Monica turns her head and looks out the window.

KRYCEK
Please, Mon’ You’re so hot…

MONICA
No. If you need some, go jack off.

Monica turns to speak specifically to Dana.

MONICA
So what were you and John doing
in the restroom together?

Doggett is about to make up a stupid lie, like how Dana really wasn’t in the restroom with him. Scully answers before he can B.S.

SCULLY
He needed support.

MONICA
(amused)
What kind of support?

DOGGETT
Oh for cryin’ out loud, Mon’!

MONICA
What?

DOGGETT
You know what kind of support,
stop turning everything into something sexual.

MONICA
You’re the one thinking of this in
a sexual manner. What made you
think I was the one making this a
sexual conversation?

DOGGETT
(overreacting)
Because I know you!

MONICA
What’s that supposed to mean?

Doggett glares at her.

DOGGETT
You know that I’m afraid to fly,
so why are you being so difficult?
I needed Dana with me in case
I passed out. (beat) She is a medical
doctor, and she could help me!

MONICA
(smiles)
You want her to give you a physical, right?

DOGGETT
(shocked)
Monica!

Monica just laughs at him, an evil laugh.

SCULLY
Guys, can you please stop this discussion.
(beat) Monica, why do you insist on picking
on John? It’s not very nice. What he needs
is for us to be understanding. (beat) Walter had
fears, but he got over them with me because
I didn’t tease him about them. I helped him.

MONICA
First of all, I am understanding. Second of
all, I pick on John because I’ve always
picked on him. You baby everyone, Dana.
That’s not what John needs.

SCULLY
Well maybe he doesn’t need your pestering.
I know you’re understanding, Monica, but it
comes off a little harsh.

MONICA
That’s because I grew up in a harsh environment.
(beat) If you think treating John like a baby will help,
then do it. But John is a soldier and soldiers aren’t
treated like babies. It’s degrading.

Scully looks at Doggett, she’s getting irritated with Monica now too.

SCULLY
John, what’s your opinion?
Do you want to always be
treated as a soldier or as
a normal person?

DOGGETT
(quiet)
A normal person.

Scully gives Monica a “ha ha” look.

SCULLY
(to John)
I want to make sure I got this right.
You want Monica to be more sensitive
to your fear, rather than shrug it off as
something silly, right?

DOGGETT
Yeah.

SCULLY
(to Monica)
There you have it, direct from the man himself.

MONICA
Fine. I’ll stay out of it.

She turns away from them and takes out a book from her carryon bag. She angrily flips to the last page that she read, and pretends to be reading.

CUT TO:

FIRST CLASS

Mulder has found a nice comfy seat next to Steven Spielberg.

MULDER
So did you actually know E.T.?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
How disappointing… Have you ever
been… Taken?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
Pre-crime is unconstitutional, you know.
Is there really a man-eating sharky named… Jaws?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
Have you ever traveled in a time
machine so you could go… back in time?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
Are you really a… man in black?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
Why did you come up with the story for
that stupid childrens movie “Goonies”?
That was the longest hour and a half of
my whole life, I want that time back Mr. Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg doesn’t know what to say to this lunatic. He presses a button to call a steward to come and make Mulder leave him alone.

MULDER
Are you the real owner of… the lost ark?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No.

MULDER
Is there really an island full of real dinosaurs?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Even if there were, why would I tell you?

MULDER
Now tell me Mr. Executive Producer Spielberg, sir.
Is it really possible for a tornado to happen
when the sky is sunny sky-blue?

Fortunate for Steven Spielberg, a stewardess comes to his aid. The stewardess grabs Mulder’s arm and drags him away, back to economy class.

MULDER
Wait! I didn’t ask about that hill that can
be shaped by potatoes!

TIME CUT: 1 HOUR 30 MINUTES LATER

The lights on the plane are out, save for the reading lights a few nervous passengers have turned on, to read, keeping their mind off of their fears.

Marita is napping on Skinner’s shoulder and he’s out of it, a travel pillow around his neck. Mulder is nowhere to be seen. Krycek is sleeping in front of his, Mulder’s, Marita’s and Skinner’s seats… on the floor. He is sprawled out and looking semi-comfortable.

Across the aisle, Scully is sleeping, resting her head on Doggett’s shoulder. Doggett and Monica are still awake. There is still tension between them from their argument earlier.

After a few beats, Mulder comes up to them and sits down in the aisle.

MULDER
Psst! (beat) Mr. Spielberg didn’t
really know E.T. and he’s never
heard of Samantha or a group of
men conspiring with aliens to colonize
the planet. But he said it sounds like
a good film idea. (beat) So what have
you two been up to?

DOGGETT
Working on my crossword puzzle.

He holds up a little book full of crossword puzzles.

MULDER
Oh how fun. What about you, Monica?

MONICA
Nothing.

She flips a page in her book. She is still upset that John will not grow out of his stupid little fear. Needless to say, they have continued their arguing sporadically since Dana fell asleep on John’s shoulder. Mulder senses the tension between them.

MULDER
Ok you two, what’s wrong?
I can help. Now tell me, what’s
bothering you?

Monica and Doggett share an irritated glance. Mulder is always prying.

MONICA
Nothing.

MULDER
Are you upset that Marita is marrying Brad?

Doggett and Monica shoot Mulder a look. They didn’t know this! Come to think of it, no one knew! Unless of course you – the reader – caught onto our subtle little hints late this season.

Scully wakes up, having been jerked off of John’s shoulder. Her head rams into Mulder’s and he falls to the floor. His head hitting the ground hard.

MONICA
(panicked)
What did he say?!

Monica knows what Mulder said, but she needs the confirmation.

Scully holds her hand to her own forehead, Mulder has a hard head. Ow.

Monica leaps across Doggett and Scully and picks Mulder’s unconscious head off the aisle floor.

MONICA
(yelling at Mulder)
What did you say?!

Monica shakes him violently.

MONICA
YOU FOOL! WAKE UP!

She smacks him across the face. As she continues trying to wake Mulder to see if what she heard is true – that Marita is going to marry her, Monica Isabella Reyes’, Brad Follmer. We FADE UP and out of the airplane. Watching it from outside as it approaches London, England.

FADE OUT:

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

 

 

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