"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Ten






 

Title: "Krycek's Smörgåsbord"

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Series: FRVS - Episode #218

Written by: Cassie

Edited by: Claudine

Classification: humor, crossover

Rating: PG-13 (Krycek has a potty mouth)

Air Date: 27 January 2018

Date Written: 8-9 February 2017; 12 February 2017; 5-6 May 2017; 10-12 August 2017; 3-4 September 2017; 21 October 2017; 13 November 2017

Summary: For Krycek, it's time to get back to work, but what job will he chose after quitting the Presidency, and being rejected by the FBI?

Segments of this episode were suggested by current readers of FRVS on Twitter: @DanaScullyMulde and @barbieabaroa - Thank you for the suggestions, they were fun to write!

Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS). "Star Wars" belongs to George Lucas. Buffy Summers, Angel, and Spike (of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer") were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him and Mutant Enemy Productions. Dean Winchester, and Sam Winchester were created by Eric Kripke, they belong to him and Warner Bros. Television. These characters have been borrowed for your reading pleasure, plus... haven't we always wanted something "The X-Files" to crossover with both of those legendary series?

WARNING: If you are sensitive to some bashing on the revival The X-Files seasons, beware that this episode indirectly (yet directly) takes a baseball bat to their existence through Mulder and Krycek's favorite (fictional) TV series, Syndicate X.

Feedback: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series, and Semper Fi only. If you would like to include any of our episodes in your fanfic archive, please contact us at: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Author's Note: Sometimes the actions of these characters are cartoonish in nature. If you actually think that following their horrible example is a good thing to do, we are not responsible for your lack of common sense. The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor.

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FADE IN:

CLOSE UP:

KRYCEK’S FACE

There is a look of agony as tears stream down Krycek’s face. Whatever it is that is causing him this much grief must hurt a lot. Is it that he has realized that Marita has completely disappeared without a trace? Did he stub his toe in a door?

Angry yet defeated, Krycek quickly turns around to face someone else who is in the room with him.

KRYCEK
Then it’s true…

He whimpers.

KRYCEK
… you never did love me.

Standing across from him is actress Yvonne Strahovski (you might know her from “Chuck,” “Dexter,” “24: Live Another Day,” or “The Handmaid’s Tale.” Her lip quivers as she listens to what Krycek is saying to her. You can see that she has both love and hate in her eyes as she looks at him.

YVONNE
Of course, I loved you, Peter.

Peter? What in the actual heck? Has Krycek changed his name to try to avoid the paparazzi that continues to follow him around after his one-week stint in the White House as President of the United States?

KRYCEK
Then why are you leaving
me for him?

Krycek points to his right at actor Nathan Fillion.

There’s a look of confusion washing over Krycek’s face. Then SUDDENLY, Krycek runs to Nathan Fillion and tries to jump up into the actor’s arms to kiss him on the lips! Nathan looks surprised, and a little bit appalled. Nevertheless, Nathan catches Krycek and takes a sloppy kiss on the nose for the team.

TV DIRECTOR
CUT!

Yvonne rolls her eyes and walks off a television studio sound stage to take in a director’s chair with her name on it. But poor, poor Nathan Fillion, Krycek is still trying to slobber kiss him on the lips.

TV DIRECTOR
DAMMIT, ALEX!
I SAID CUT!

Finally hearing the TV Director, Krycek lets his body slide down Nathan Fillion’s leg.

KRYCEK
I just wanted to-

TV DIRECTOR
I know what you just wanted!

KRYCEK
But sir, Nathan is so yummy.
I feel if I didn’t get in a kiss
that I’d be letting down all of
Nathan’s fans, and myself.

TV DIRECTOR
Not when we’re on our
two-hundred and seventeenth
take for this scene!

NATHAN FILLION
Two-hundred and sixteenth.

The TV Director shoots Nathan a “don’t go there” look, and Nathan backs down and goes to sit down next to Yvonne. Both wishing that they didn’t have to work with Alex Krycek, who is on some silly kick of trying out acting as a career.

Krycek starts to walk off the set, turning his back to the TV Director.

KRYCEK
Hair! Makeup! Touch me up!
Make me pretty!

TV DIRECTOR
Alexander, I’m not done with you.

KRYCEK
Shut up. I’m da star of da show.

Krycek sits down in his director’s chair next to Nathan Fillion, he winks at him. Nathan ignores him. He’s never dealt with this level of sexual harassment in his entire career what he’s put up with today from Krycek!

TV DIRECTOR
I talked with the producers
in between takes two-hundred,
and two-hundred and one.

KRYCEK
So? (beat) I’m the star of
your show.

TV DIRECTOR
They said to fire you if your
sexual harassment of Nathan continued.
Sexual harassment in the workplace
is unacceptable behavior.

KRYCEK
So? (beat, to hair and makeup)
Powder my nose! It cannot
be shiny!

Krycek laughs and elbows Nathan Fillion in the arm. Nathan looks at Krycek, he’s got a dumbass expression on his face and is laughing at his “inside joke.”

KRYCEK
Shiny! Get it! Shiny! Firefly!

NATHAN
It’s not funny when you say it.

The TV Director taps Krycek on the shoulder, he has three LARGE security guards standing behind him now. Off of Krycek’s “oh shit, I’ve been fired” look, we…

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT 42 – DAY
ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA
THURSDAY, 6 MAY 2021
3:21 P.M.

Alex Krycek sits in the middle of the couch in the living room. He stares at the wall in front of him. It’s been just about two months now since FBI Director John Doggett denied him re-employment at the FBI.

Krycek sits, alone. He has nothing to do. He is unemployed, and from July 2020 to 27 January of this year, he made a complete ass out of himself when he ran for President of the United States, and then surprisingly won the election. The whole world was watching. All employers were watching too. He has struggled to find work since resigning from the Oval Office.

He really thought that he would be able to get his old job back at the FBI, after all, Mulder has been working hard to re-establish the X-Files Division since the FBI reopened.

In November 2019, Doggett and Scully got their jobs back when Mulder asked them to return, and obviously Mulder was back, and Scully left a few months later to be (lucky her!) a house wife (why couldn’t he, Alex Krycek, be a house wife?!)!

Monica was offered a position, but turned it down since her husband, the luscious Knowle Rohrer, had been running for President. Heck! Even new FBI agents were being recruited to work in the basement office! It seems everyone, but he, was welcomed back with open arms and a chocolate chip cookie!

He hates himself for running for office, and becoming President. He only put himself (and “mute” Mulder) in the race because he wanted to find a way to help candidate Vansen win. He wanted Knowle Rohrer to fail because he saw how unhappy life in the limelight had been making Monica. And rumor has it that Monica and Knowle are seriously discussing divorce, so his plan didn’t even work!

To be honest, he never actually thought that he would win the election, especially with his very immature campaign. But for some sick reason America latched onto his absurdity and wouldn’t let go.

Internally, Krycek scoffs at those who voted for him. Such idiots!

He was glad that Mulder didn’t remain President for more than a day. But he was surprised that Mulder didn’t name John Doggett as his Vice President. He thought for sure that Mulder could see that Doggett was the best candidate to become President.

However… Mulder told him that when Doggett was helping him out in the Oval Office, that he looked sad when he mentioned he was missing his son’s baseball practice, and Mulder knew then and there that deep in his heart Doggett did not really want to be President of the United States.

Humph! Mulder! Always doing the right thing!

Krycek crosses his arms in front of his chest and pouts.

Why can’t he, Alexander Sergeiovich Krycek II Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr (is it three or four “Jrs” he doesn’t rightly remember anymore, and he can’t check his birth certificate because it got lost during the Alien War) be the goody-two-shoes for once? Why does it always have to be bloody Fox William Mulder?!

KRYCEK
(whiny bitchy, to himself)
Fox William Muuuuuuulder.

But what is he to do for a living now?

After the FBI Headquarters was rebuilt in D.C., he had been there, helping Mulder get the X-Files Division back up and running. The FBI, at that time, had been under the supervision of interim Director Walter Skinner, who didn’t give a rat’s arse about whatever shenanigans he and Mulder got themselves into.

To be honest though, there isn’t really a need anymore for the X-Files Division. The primary goal – as per Mulder – of the X-Files was to investigate reports of alien, or alien-related, activity, and try to find the whereabouts of Mulder’s long-lost sister, Samantha.

The aliens have been defeated. UFOs are real. NASA has taken it upon themselves to reverse engineer the alien technology from downed space ships so that Earth can begin to defend its galaxy from space.

Ugh! How is it that he helped Mulder save the planet from alien annihilation, and he is no longer revered as a hero, and can’t get a job?!

And what of Samantha? Well, Samantha was an employee of the Photoshoppe shop at the mall, and Mulder found her during the war, but she was killed by a shape-shifting alien not long after they were reunited.

For all intents and purposes, the X-Files Division serves no purpose.

Unless of course Mulder has found something else to obsess over, or one of those new X-Files agents has a long-lost sister or something.

Krycek huff and puffs again.

And you know what? It really hurt him when he snuck into the FBI, dressed as Inspector Gadget, and tried to be part of the X-Files recruitment day in the basement office, and he was caught, and then he couldn’t get out of the FBI because of the news and paparazzi. He stuck around long after most agents had gone home for the night, and had to rely on Doggett to get his ass out of the building (which meant getting in trouble for being there in the first place). He still has no idea what Doggett said to the media that had been stalking him, that made them go away.

Immediately after the war ended he had tried his hand at being a wedding planner. He enjoyed helping coordinate Mulder and Maria’s wedding on the Pequod so much that to keep his new career going, he made Doggett and Scully have a traditional wedding (though they had married themselves five years earlier on the flight deck of the ship). A traditional wedding that he could coordinate. He helped pick out Scully’s wedding gown, he helped choose the colors, he chose the song they danced to at the reception (“Immortality” by Celine Dion, if you must know).

KRYCEK
(quietly singing to himself)
Im.mor.tality
I make my journey through eternity
I keep the memory of you and me inside
(beat, slightly louder) We don’t say goodbye…

Krycek stops singing. Sighing at the memory of how beautiful Scully was in her white sleeveless wedding dress, in Doggett’s arms as they slow danced to the song he, Alexander Krycek, chose for them.

Krycek had picked out Katie’s pastel pink and yellow flower girl dress, he did everything for Doggett and Scully’s traditional wedding. He even sang his very own rendition of John Legend’s “All of Me” as Scully walked down the aisle.

Krycek starts humming the tune to “All of Me.”

KRYCEK
(quietly singing to himself)
‘Cause all of me
loves all of you
love your curves and all your edges
all your perfect imperfections…

Krycek sighs. Love. That’s really the only thing worth living for, isn’t it? It’s too bad that this John Legend guy can’t write better romantic lyrics than he, like “Bat Poop Eyes,” or “My Marita Lynn,” songs Krycek wrote for and with Marita in mind.

He sighs again, ahhhhhh… Marita. It seems it’s been months since he’s seen her. He wonders where she is. If only Marita were here with him now, she could help him figure out how to get back into doing wedding planning. But alas, she is not. Thank goodness for Maria and Mulder too! If it weren’t for them, who in the world would help take care of his kids “Martin” and Sasha Baby?! Where are those two goobers anyhow? Maybe Marita has them today.

Krycek takes his cell phone off the coffee table in front of him, and dials Marita’s phone. He waits for her line to ring, but instead gets:

AUTOMATED VOICE
We’re sorry. You have reached a
number that is disconnected or
that is no longer in service-

Krycek hangs up. Did Marita change her phone number? Hmm… he scratches at the non-existent fuzz on his chin. He’ll have to remember to ask Scully this when he sees her.

He wipes a single “man” tear from his eye. He really, really misses Marita right now. He misses her gentle touch, her harsh face slaps, her calming voice, and her screeching at him when he’s done bad.

He starts to sing.

KRYCEK
(wailing, voice cracking)
ALL BY MYSELF!
Don’t want to be…
ALL BY MYSELF ANYMORE!
(beat, wails) MARITA LYNN!!!

Ok, focus Alex, you need to get a job, and you need to get one now.

What to do, what to do…? He taps his finger on his forehead to try to force himself to focus on what to do with his life, and not Marita Lynn (wherever she may be).

He could go back to work as a principle at a school, but… going back to school is no fun. Actually, school is cool. It’s cool to be in school. But can a 52 year old man really go back to first grade? No!

He could open up another pretzel stand outside the FBI building, and over-salt Doggett’s pretzels, and then close up shop when he complains about it. But Krycek already did that many years ago, and to Skinner.

There’s always Burger Boy, but wait… he hasn’t seen any Burger Boys make a comeback since the end of the Alien War.

He could try to make a comeback in figure skating… if the system would accept a 52 year old ice dancer… without a partner because apparently he cannot get a hold of Marita anymore (:::pouts:::).

At least he still has his kids. Little “Martin” Krycek, and his baby girl, Sasha Baby. He’s a bit bummed that Martin goes by “Martin” because Martin was named after his father, Alexander Sergeiovich Krycek II Jr Jr Jr Jr, but he’s taken to making everyone call him “Martin” because his birth name is, in the child’s own words, ridiculous. Krycek shakes his head, thinking of his son, sometimes that kid takes after his uncle Mulder more than Krycek himself! The kid even has Mulder’s pouty lower lip! If Krycek didn’t know any better, he would think that “Martin” was Mulder’s son! Haha!

For a beat, Krycek looks pensive enough to make us wonder if he’s on the verge of figuring out that “Martin” is actually, biologically, Mulder’s child, but alas…

He needs to figure out his new career!

He could go back to recording rap albums under his rapper stage name, Albino Rat. He can always make up more rap songs to sing. Even when he was President, he managed to attract a crowd of Albino Rat fans to watch him hold an impromptu Albino Rat concert at the White House’s Truman Balcony. Ever since the campaign he’s been coming up with some weird-ass new song titles: Sling-shot Me Bum, POTUS ‘N DA HAUS!, Doggman’s Ma Gman, etc.

Krycek picks up the TV remote control to see if there’s anything worth watching on the boob tube. An episode from that “revival” season of his and Mulder’s favorite TV show, Syndicate X, is on. Ugh! Why did the Fuchs Network have to dig up that show and force a revival season on viewers? And lately there’s been talk of yet another revival season in the works, what the fans are calling “season 11.” Krycek scowls at the television.

Yes, he and Mulder absolutely loved the first nine seasons (and first movie) of Syndicate X (though its last season left much to be desired, and the second movie was utter crapola). Everything they loved about the series, “Syndicate X,” crumbled in the second movie, and was wiped away in the revival season last year, that “season 10” thing, especially the beloved mytharc of the series!

How distasteful of Craig Christophe to destroy the one good thing the series had that glued it all together! Without the mythology, Syndicate X wouldn’t have survived as long as it did. Sure, Mully and Sculder were great characters, but in that “revival” season… Krycek shakes his head… in that “revival” season they barely resembled the characters that had been established in the original seasons of the show! It was quite awful to watch as a fan.

Though, to be fair, of those six “revival” episodes there were three absolutely good and solid episodes written by some of the best writers Syndicate X ever had: Darrel Moran, Grant Moran, and Jimmy Wing! (being #OBVIOUS!) At least Syndicate X still had those guys, and gosh darn it! if Syndicate X does come back for an eleventh season those three had better come back too, and make that nearly unbearable season 10 all a dream, or a figment of someone’s imagination, like season 9 of "Dallas!"

If not… Krycek scowls at the thought of Craig Christophe writing and directing more than zero episodes in a new Syndicate X season. It was bad enough that execs at the Fuchs Network even allowed Christophe’s episode, “Babble Long,” to even be produced! That script deserved the shredder!

Oh! If only he worked at the Fuchs Network. He and Mulder have talked about how funny it would be if they worked at the network, and Craig Christophe brought in a draft of some new “revival” episode of Syndicate X, and how they would take that script, and without opening it, send it through the shredder! They’d tell him that Syndicate X is way past its prime, and that any attempts to resuscitate it at this point are futile, to stop beating a dead horse already!

And with rumors that the actress who plays Mully won’t come back for a twelfth season of “Syndicate X,” well… it’s quite obvious that this show has been run hard into the ground, right?

Hmm… Krycek scratches at his chin… but his name, Alex Krycek, is so well-known after the fiasco that was his Presidency. If he wants to try to get a job at the Fuchs Network he will have to use a fake name.

The Amazing Muldeeni? No, no… Mulder used that once to flirt with Scully on a magician case.

Gotcha Bob?

Sly Fry?

Peemeepantz Henry?

No, those very cool names feel too made up. Hmmmm…

Eduardo Colifa? Oh! Oh! And if he used a Latino name he could pretend to speak Spanish!

KRYCEK
(speaking “Spanish”)
El cupo di agua nappa doo…

No. Krycek shakes his head at himself, that was stupid. Everyone knows that he’s really fluent in Swedish (he’s not).

Gorky Gorsha Padelecki? A lot of Russian and a sweet, sweet slice of Polish? Of course, he’d have to grow out his hair just like that heart-throb Jared Padelecki, that gorgeous hunk of a man! And he’d have to speak RussoPolish…

KRYCEK
С новым przyszłość крыса.
Hо любовь lis i szczur.
Nazywam się Горький!

(pronounced: ss-novim shush-woshtch kree-sa. Nah loo-bov lees eesh-turu. Nah-zee-vahm shee Gorky)

Krycek shakes his head at himself, he thinks that might mean something about a new future fox and love, and introducing himself, but really... he’s just mixing up words.

Hans Rittenhouse!

Krycek sits up a little taller at this fake name, it sounds so refined.

KRYCEK
Kann ich nach Hause gehen?
Fick dich ins Knie du alter
Wichsfrosch! Und ich will
einen richtig guten Fick weil
ich sehr notgeil bin, ja!

Krycek smiles proudly at himself, his Swedish is amazeballs! (that’s not Swedish, it’s German, and most of it should not be translated... WATERED DOWN TRANSLATION: Can I go home? Up yours, you jerking off frog! And I want a good sexytimes because I’m horny, yes!).

KRYCEK
Jag har forstoppning!

That however is Swedish, and any ol’ timer FRVS fans might remember what it means from our classic season 6 episode, “Ice, Ice Baby.” HINT: it is not a good pick up line unless your name is Dulcolax.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. FUCHS NETWORK HEADQUARTERS – OFFICE
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
FRIDAY, 28 MAY 2021
2:46 P.M.

Alex Krycek sits behind a gloriously large wooden oak desk in the Los Angeles Fuchs Network Headquarters. He’s kicked back in his comfy swivel chair, his feet sprawled out on top of the desk. He’s very focused on playing Tetris on his brand spankin’ new smart phone, he’s so focused that his tongue is sticking out of his mouth as he concentrates on the game.

On top of his desk is an Apple laptop computer, an iPad, an iPhone, and an old iPod, a Rubik’s Cube, a Hawaiian Hula dancer lamp (its hips a-shakin’), lots and lots of Post-It notes, Leyla Harrison’s newest (Doggett/Reyes romance) novel, “Cigarettes and Post-It Notes,” and his nameplate… his very own nameplate that has his (fake) name on it…

MR. KICKERBAUM

He finally decided on a pseudonym: Mr. Kickerbaum.

His secretary buzzes him on his speaker.

SECRETARY
Mr. Kickerbaum, Craig Christophe
is here to see you.

Krycek tries to be smooth as he leans forward in his swivel chair to respond to his secretary, but instead the springs in the chair thrust him forward, and he lands right smack on his chest on the top of the desk. He quickly stands up straight, straightens his clip-on necktie, and presses the intercom button on the phone.

KRYCEK
Sosie, please, send Mr. Christophe
in. I’ve been waiting forever
to meet with him.

SOSIE
(over intercom)
Yes, sir.

Krycek sits back down in his chair and waits, he even swivels around twice because it’s just so much fun to do!

There’s a knock at his office door.

There’s an evil glint in Krycek’s eyes, and he devilishly rubs his hands together.

This is the moment he’s been waiting for.

He will be able to tell this Craig Christophe to shove it!

KRYCEK
(“professional”)
Come in.

The door opens and the creator of the Syndicate X television series, Craig Christophe, enters the room. He has platinum blond surfer hair, an awful (orange?) surfer’s tan, and is wearing an Hawaiian print shirt and shorts (that are a little too short, like 80s short). Tucked under his arm is the first script for the eleventh season of Syndicate X. Krycek eyes it with a heart full of animosity and disgust.

CHRISTOPHE
Mister Kickerbaum, it is a real
pleasure meeting with you today.
Congratulations on your new
position in the company. It must
be exciting to be in charge of which
TV shows are produced for the
American public to see. (beat) And
sir, if you don’t mind my saying, but
you look almost exactly like that
son-of-a-bitch President Krycek-

KRYCEK
-No I don’t. Geez.

Krycek wants to avoid talking about his bout with the United States Presidency at all costs.

KRYCEK
Please, Craig, have a seat.

The two men sit down in their seats. Krycek leans forward in his chair, his elbows on his desk. He stares down Craig Christophe.

CHRISTOPHE
Mister Kickerbaum-

KRYCEK
-Please, Craig, you can call
me by my full name. (beat)
Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum.
(beat) In that precise order. I insist.

Krycek is laughing so hard inside! Will this Christophe character actually say that entire made up name? BWAHA!

CHRISTOPHE
Um, yes, of course Dingleberry
Hopscotch Kickerbaum.

*SNNNOOOOOOOOOORRT GIGGLE* He actually said it! Hahahahahahahaha!

KRYCEK
(keeping calm on the outside)
So you’re here to pitch season
eleven of Syndicate X, correct?

CHRISTOPHE
Correct. (beat) I brought you
my only copy of the season
eleven premiere script. (beat)
I’m so afraid of computer hacking
that I wrote it entirely by hand.

Christophe hands over a handwritten script for episode one of season eleven of Syndicate X titled “Ka’u Paio!” OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! This doofus writes his scripts by hand! This is soooooooo perfect! Absolutely fuck-a-tively PERFECT!

Krycek keeps his outer calm and reads the title of the script aloud.

KRYCEK
Ka’u Paio… that’s Hawaiian
for ‘my struggle,’ is it not?

Christophe leans forward and points his finger at the roman numeral for “3” that comes after the Hawaiian. Krycek gives him a look, and pretends to flip through the script “reading” it.

CHRISTOPHE
Ka’u Paio, three. (beat)
Basically, I’m pulling a Bob
Newhart on the show. The teaser
is a monologue by the arch villain,
and then we fade in and find out
that Mully dreamt the entire events
of Ka’u Paio two. There’s plot
progressing action sequences, and
a cliffhanger that leaves our heroes
landing in Hawaii in episode two,
but on the run from the bad guys.
(beat) It’s going to be an amazing
season, sir. Very pleasing to the
Mully and Sculder ‘shippers, lots
and lots of pornographic scenes, you
can place money on that!

KRYCEK
Mmmmhm...

Krycek continues to ”read” the script.

CHRISTOPHE
Dingleberry, if you-

KRYCEK
(without looking up, correcting)
Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum.

CHRISTOPHE
Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum,
if you don’t mind my asking your input...

KRYCEK
Go on.

CHRISTOPHE
Do you think that at the end of the series
that we find out that the entire Syndicate X
series had been a dream by Mully who
is actually living in an alternate reality, but
dreaming of another reality where she had
been sexually involved with Sculder?
And Mully wakes up her husband, Dogbert,
and they have a good and hearty laugh over
how in her dream she was madly in love with
Sculder? And that-

KRYCEK
-That’s stupid. The dream thing has
been done before. (beat) Plus, Mully
should have been with Dogbert
ever since he joined the show. He treats
her better than Sculder ever could. (beat)
It’s a damn shame you catered to the
Sculder-Mully ‘shippers. Very lazy,
very weak writing, if you ask me.

CHRISTOPHE
That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
If season eleven will be the last season
of Syndicate X, I really want to do
something to destroy the SMR ‘ship.
I’m sick and tired of all the fans obsessing
over Sculder and Mully, Mully and
Sculder, blah, blah, blah. Maybe the
eCig-Smoking Man can say he is the
father or their son, Billy. (beat) I did
intend for that to happen back when I
rewrote the season seven episode In Friendship.

Krycek considers this for a moment, it would be absolutely HILARIOUS if Christophe actually made it canon for Mully and Dogbert to be the true couple of Syndicate X. He intended to throw this script into the shredder, but then again... it might be worth it to watch the internet blow up when all the Sculder/Mully ‘shippers don’t get their way, especially how they just assumed that Baby Billy was biologically both Mully and Sculder’s son! Krycek would just love to watch the Syndicate X fandom shit their pants over a revelation like that! Maybe this season 11 thing isn’t such a bad idea...

CHRISTOPHE
And then, to appease the ‘shippers,
the season eleven finale will
turn out to be a dream within
a dream where Mully wakes up
next to Sculder, and tells him she
had an awful dream that she was
married to Dogbert and-

AW HELL NO!

Krycek stands up and walks over to the shredder across the office. Christophe stands up and follows him. Krycek smirks at the look of horror on Christophe’s face as his one and only script for Syndicate X 11x01 ”Ka’u Paio III” is shredded to itty bitty bits!

KRYCEK
Half of season ten of Syndicate X
sucked balls, man! You shouldn’t
be allowed to write or direct any
series, or movie, or even a game
show. (beat) And just to get it off
my chest, six episodes does not
equate to a season. That’s barely
a mini-series! (beat) Gladys Addison
didn’t want to come back to season
ten, and it showed in her performance
as Mully. She was awful! She sounded
like a ten-pack-a-day cigarette-smoking,
croaky old school mistress! (beat) Leave
her alone, and give her effing equal pay!

CHRISTOPHE
Mister Kicker-

Krycek... well, if looks could kill.

KRYCEK
(YELLS)
DINGLEBERRY  HOPSCOTCH KICKERBAUM!!!

CHRISTOPHE
(a little shakey)
Sorry, Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum.
No one made her sign on, and she’s open
to negotiation coming back for-

KRYCEK
At least Dil Debny could still pull
off Sculder! But your ‘shroom episode,
„Babble Long,” was absolute trash!
(beat) YOU’RE FIRED!

Krycek can’t help but to giggle aloud. He just fired Craig Christophe! This is such a rush!

CHRISTOPHE
Fired?

KRYCEK
Fired. Dismissed. Discharged.
Gotted rid of. Terminated.
Banished. Removed. Given
the boot. Cast out. Expelled.
Kicked out. Ejected. Repudiated.
Given the fucking ax.

Krycek smirks. This feels really, really good.

CHRISTOPHE
I get the point.

KRYCEK
Eighty-sixed, given the heave-ho,
ousted, sent packing, here’s
your pink slip, mister Christophe!

Christophe charges toward the office door, pissed off. He opens it and walks out.

KRYCEK
(shouting)
And that second movie of yours,
‘I Want To Bang,” you’re disgusting
for making a pedophile the hero!
DISGUSTING!

Krycek rushes to the office door and slams it shut with a kick of his leg! That felt really good to say and to do (sorry readers, us FRVS writers had to try to get our feelings about some things off our chests).

Krycek hits the intercom button on his desk phone.

KRYCEK
Sosie?

SOSIE
Yes, mister Kickerbaum?

KRYCEK
Get me the President of the Fuchs
Network. I have a TV show pitch
that he can’t refuse. I came up with
it myself. I call the series... „Fox & Rat.”

SOSIE
Yes, sir.

KRYCEK
It’s about the unsung heroes of
the Alien War. Their lives before,
and after their heroic actions.

SOSIE
Fox and Rat? (beat)
That sounds like a
really stupid name for
a series.

KRYCEK
I know, but it’s close to my heart.

SOSIE
Sure thing. (beat) I’ll get
the President on the line for you.

KRYCEK
Thank you.

Krycek ends his intercom call with Sosie, and sits back in his chair, kicking his feet up on top of his desk. He is 110% confident that his TV show idea, „Fox & Rat,” will be a smash hit! A series that will go on for more than ten seasons, and have at least three movies! Maybe even a crossover with the Star Wars universe! How exciting would that be?!

And sure enough, by 2033, „Fox & Rat” will have celebrated twelve seasons, with a total of 244 episodes, and three movies, all smashing hits at the box office. And will be one of the most successful TV shows ever produced by the Fuchs Network, with rumors of a prequel season or two on the horizon! Who knew a series about the heroes of the Alien War would be so loved?

Alex Krycek. That’s who.

Errrmmm... actually „Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum.” That’s who.

SMASH CUT:

This segment of this episode of „Fox & Rat” was suggested by @barbieabaroa! This one’s for you!

INT. COVETED HEIGHTS MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY – WAITING ROOM
WASHINGTON, D.C.
WEDNESDAY, 9 JUNE 2021
10:59 A.M.

Leyla Harrison sits patiently on the sofa in the waiting room outside Doctor Kickerbaum’s office (yeah, you know who that really is). She is flipping through a fashion magazine. Her blond hair rests on her shoulders, and she’s wearing a lovely pastel pink v-neck T-shirt with a picture of Mulder and Scully on its front, and white slacks, and pastel pink sandals. A Barbie-pink smart phone pokes out of the top of her Hello Kitty purse.

The secretary sits behind the desk across from her, in her own world, typing up notes for Doctor Kickerbaum. The secretary notices Ms. Harrison looking at her, and gives her a polite smile.

SECRETARY
He’s just finishing up with
his current patient. He’ll
be with you shortly.

And as if on cue, the door to Doctor Kickerbaum’s office opens, and John Doggett exits, looking a lot perplexed. Behind him is Alex Krycek, dressed up nicely in a dark grey suit, with a navy blue neck tie (not a clip on!).

KRYCEK
(to Doggett)
Trust me when I say it’s
perfectly fine to talk to
Scully about that. (beat)
I think she’ll appreciate
your attempt at being
more adventurous. (beat)
And a Hawaiian honeymoon
couldn’t be a better place
to try that sort of thing out.

Doggett turns to face Krycek. He looks at him really carefully.

DOGGETT
Are you sure you’re not
Alex Krycek?

He seriously does not believe he’s “Doctor Kickerbaum.”

KRYCEK
Nope. I’m one of his long-lost
triplet brothers... I changed my
name to hide from the rest of
my dysfunctional family. (beat)
I didn’t become a therapist simply
because my life was in complete order.

Doggett looks at this “Doctor Kickerbaum” again, not sure if he believes him or not. He looks an awful lot like the Alex Krycek he knows.

DOGGETT
Sure... I’ll be asking
Dana about you.

It hasn’t gone unnoticed by Doggett that this “Doctor Kickerbaum” has been calling “Dana,” “Scully” this whole time.

KRYCEK
Go ahead, she’ll confirm that
my brother, Alex, is a triplet.

DOGGETT
Mmmmhm.

Doggett gives this “Doctor Kickerbaum” one last look, and walks away, to the front desk to pay his bill.

Krycek, because, yes, this is our Alex Krycek, looks at Leyla Harrison and his eyes BUG WIDE! Holy moly connolli! What is *SHE* doing here?!?! Ugh! He calms himself and goes back to pretending to be a mental health professional, or whatever.

KRYCEK
Miss Harrison... I can see you now.

Leyla perks up and practically skips over to him, as he leads her into his office.

The office of “Doctor Kickerbaum” is rich. There are two leather couches, an oak desk, and several huge oak book shelves which are loaded with books (books Krycek never bothered to read before manipulating himself into this job).

Leyla takes a seat on the couch, and Krycek sits in the chair across from her. He sits down, and crosses his legs, and lowers his (fake) reading glasses down the rim of his nose. He takes out a pen and a notebook, and gets comfortable to listen to why Leyla Harrison has decided to come see him today.

LEYLA
So... I like saw your commercial
for sex therapy, and I really need
to talk to you about a problem
I’m having.

KRYCEK
Go on.

Krycek giggles to himself (inside his mind). First he got John Doggett to talk to him about his sexual insecurities with Scully, and he actually listened to his advice! And now he gets to hear about the sexual problems of the world’s number one romance erotica novelist, Leyla Harrison. This ought to be good!

LEYLA
You see I write Mulder and
Scully romance novels for
a living, and lately I’ve been
uninspired. I can’t settle on
good plots, or good descriptions
of sexual acts, or new words to
describe Mulder’s gigantic penis.

Krycek snears at the mention of Mulder’s penile size.

KRYCEK
Perhaps your Mulder character
needs to have penis reduction
surgery. A new plot could be
about how Scully enjoys small
men. Or... you could try writing
new characters, you know,
actual fictional characters-

It bothers him that this Leyla person writes about his real life friends! Real life people fiction is disturbing! Like the fanfic of the Gladys Addison and Dil Debny actors, who call themselves “Gladebny” fans, Krycek shudders a bit, just the thought of real life people fiction gives him the heebie geebies.

LEYLA
Oh I don’t think so! I love
Mulder and Scully too much.
My life’s happiness depends
on them. Like, if MSR doesn’t
happen for real, and they don’t
get back together I don’t think
my life can go on. (beat) Do
you think ‘honey lamb’ would
be a good ‘shippy nickname?

KRYCEK
Are you suicidal, Miss Harrison?

LEYLA
No, no, silly. Why would I end
my life simply because Mulder
and Scully don’t get back
together and have sex?

KRYCEK
You did say that you’re life
couldn’t go on-

LEYLA
As long as there’s a chance that
Mulder and Scully can get back
together again, I’ll continue
writing and pushing the MSR
on the general public. Don’t
worry about me.

Who’s worried? Krycek turns his head and looks at you, the reader, with serious doubts about Ms. Harrison’s mental health. :::cuckoo clock sounds:::

LEYLA
Anyway, I’ve been trying to come
up with ideas on how to get new
and inspired erotic stories for the
Mulder and Scully novel I’m working
on. (beat) I’m thinking of calling the
novel Alien Baby Baby Mama, but
I’m not sure. What do you think?

Krycek cringes. That’s painful to hear said aloud, “Alien Baby Baby Mama,” that’s just as bad as a lovey-dovey nickname “honey lamb!”

LEYLA
What would agents Mulder and
Scully do if they were in this situation?

Subconsciously, Leyla starts petting the image of Mulder and Scully on the front of her pastel pink v-neck Tshirt. Krycek notices this, and his eyes go WIDE again. Is she fondling the picture of Mulder and Scully, or is the thought of Mulder and Scully causing her to fondle herself?

Ok, this chick is creeeeeeeeepy.

KRYCEK
(trying not to sound scared)
What situation?

LEYLA
Mulder and Scully are driving in
a car, in the middle of nowhere.
The air conditioning is broken
and they’ve been stripping off
clothes for hours. (beat) They’re
both sitting in this car, in their
under garments, and-

KRYCEK
EW! Stop!

LEYLA
What?! You are a sex
therapist, aren’t you?

Leyla crosses her arms across her chest and glares at Krycek.

KRYCEK
Well, yes, of course I am,
but I’m no damn writer!

Hmmm... a writer... maybe he should try out being a novelist after his stint as a sex therapist!

LEYLA
Well I need Mulder and
Scully sex help!

KRYCEK
That’s not your personal problem!

LEYLA
It is when I write about
Mulder and Scully sex!

KRYCEK
Go get laid!

He’s losing his ability to be professional with this freak. She needs actual, serious mental help.

LEYLA
I’m having a Mulder and
Scully sex dry spell! (beat)
I need help!

KRYCEK
Go ask Scully and Mulder
what they’d do in that
situation then!

LEYLA
I can’t! Anytime that I try
to call them to talk about it
they hang up on me! Mulder
is too busy with his X-Files,
and Scully seems to have a
temporary delusion that she’s
married to Dogbert! (beat) I
think that he’s abusing her!

KRYCEK
His name is Doggett.
Dogg. Ett. Doggett.
John Doggett, and yeah,
he’s her husband! (beat)
And he isn’t abusive!

LEYLA
Dogbert!

KRYCEK
Doggett!

LEYLA
Dogbert!

KRYCEK
DOGGETT!

LEYLA
DOGBERT!

KRYCEK
DOGG-

Krycek stops himself, he can’t continue on in a yes-no fight manner with Leyla Harrison, she’s not worthy of that kind of platonic activity with him, not like how he and Mulder are, that’s for sure!

KRYCEK
Look, Miss Harrison. I don’t
think that I will be able to
help you. The help you need,
is not help I can give. So I
suggest you go home, and
just write. Write whatever
you want, but I do think that
you should rethink the subjects
of your novels.

LEYLA
I did write a novel for Dogbert
and Moronica called ‘Cigarettes
and Post It Notes,’ it’s erotica.

KRYCEK
You mean Doggett and Monica?

Leyla digs into her Hello Kitty purse and pulls out a folded piece of paper, she hands it to Krycek, and he reads it, it’s an excerpt from her Doggett/Reyes erotic novel, “Cigarettes and Post It Notes:”

The night is young and the air reeks of cigarettes. After seven orgasms, Doggett isn't sure how many more he could fuck out of Reyes tonight. Her endurance exhausted even his studly, and very manly, self. What kind of man would he be if he couldn't get her off another seven times at least?!

Reyes sensed what he was thinking, and put her cigarette out in the ashtray up on top of Agent Mulder's desk in the X-Files basement office. She positions herself on top of him and leans down to kiss him.

"I told you working after hours would be worth it, Agent Doggett."

She smiles slyly at him and makes her way down to suckle on his engorged man tool. Yes, indeed the night is still young and there is plenty of time left for more after-sex cigarettes, and when she is done with him, she will be going home with Post Its on her ass.

Krycek holds back puke that has swiftly come up his throat!

Blech! Ew! Ewie! EW!

He glares at Leyla, what a horrid, horrid woman she is for not telling him what was on this disgusting piece of paper! Then he thinks about how Scully actually reads the novels of Leyla Harrison?! WTF?! Why? Does Scully “get off” on reading the sick and perverse Mulder and Scully romance novels of Leyla Harrison?! Would Scully “get off” on reading Leyla’s writing of Doggett (HER HUSBAND!!!!) and Monica?! He thinks he needs to have a serious talking to with Scully about this.

Leyla continues talking about her calling John and Monica “Dogbert and Moronica,” and Krycek continues to correct her with, “Doggett and Monica.”

LEYLA
Sure. I guess that’s what
some people call them. They’re
my other ‘ship. Like when my
fans on my Heaven forum want
to talk about non-MSR topics, we
start in on Dogbert and Moronica,
and how they might have had sex
while his son was missing and then
found dead, but they didn’t care
because they were having sex-

KRYCEK
Ummmm.....

That’s disturbing!

LEYLA
Or how Follmer murdered
Dogbert’s son, Luke.

KRYCEK
Brad Follmer didn’t murder
Luke! Luke was kidnapped
by Bob Harvey, and mobster
Nicholas Regali walked in on
Bob with Luke, and-

Leyla is staring up at the ceiling in obious defiance of the truth, pretending she isn’t hearing what Krycek is saying, preferring to live in her own delusional world where whatever she believes is the truth, be it Mulder and Scully are in love, married and have a child together, or that Doggett and Reyes are in love, or that Follmer murdered Doggett’s little boy. Sheesh! This Leyla chick is a piece of work! She ought to be institutionalized!

Krycek wonders if he has any authority to have her committed to the famous Spotnitz Sanitarium, you know, as her „sex therapist.”

LEYLA
If Mulder and Scully don’t get
back together in real life, I think
I’ll kill myself.

Krycek stands up,he’s had enough talking with Ms. Harrison that one can have in a lifetime. Leyla follows him to the office door. Krycek opens the office door, showing her the way out. She’s barely out the door before Krycek slams it, whacking her on the butt on her way out.

LEYLA
(from behind the closed door)
Ouch! That hurt, RATBOY!

Yeah... he thought a career as a sex therapist would be right up his dirty, naughty little alley, but it’s been uncomfortable talking to people who need real help, or talking to his friend (Doggett), and then this Leyla Harrison freak shows up to talk about Mulder and Scully, and Doggett and Reyes sex! Ew! No! He doesn’t have the stomach for this!

DAMMIT! He should have made Leyla call him by his fake name: Dingleberry Hopscotch Kickerbaum! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! It was hilarious making Doggett say that name over and over and over again!

Oh well!

CUT TO:

INT. SEGRETO DI VITTORIA  – SHOPPING MALL
WASHINGTON, D.C.
SATURDAY, 19 JUNE 2021
1:32 P.M.

Segreto Di Vittoria is a posh Italian lingerie store in The Shops at 2000 Penn, a shopping centre and eight-story office complex on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

Since his stint at being (read: pretending) to be a sex therapist didn’t work out the other week, Alex Krycek figured that it might be fun to stay in the “sexy” business. So a few days ago he interviewed with this prestigious lingerie store, and got the job!

Today is his very first day helping women find the perfect lingerie, and helping men pick out the right lingerie for their girlfriends and wives!

Krycek is giddy with pervy junior highschool boy excitement! He’s surrounded by racks (*snigger, snicker, snigger* <--- grow up!) and tables full of sexy lingerie! It’s a dream come true! He walks past a display table, and refolds some panties that have been moved out of place. He giggles out loud.

As the hours tick by, Krycek takes great pride in helping women decide if they look good in the lingerie they picked out. He’s been slapped a couple times by women that he decided it would be a good idea to hit on. Damn you, Krycek! Stop acting like a predator, and respect women!

SCULLY
(off screen)
Alex?

Krycek turns around and smiles when he sees Scully. Monica is with her, both are holding a couple shopping bags in their hands.

KRYCEK
Hey, Scully! Hey Monica!

He waves at them. They approach him with some hesitation.

MONICA
What are you doing here?

KRYCEK
(somewhat stereotypical gay?)
Moi? Oh honey, Moni’,
(beat) I work here now!

SCULLY
You work here?

Scully raises her eyebrow mighty high at this revelation. Alex Krycek + lingerie = a bad mix.

KRYCEK
Yeppers! Today is my first
day! (beat) Can I help you
find the perfect lingerie to
satisfy your men?

MONICA
(bitter)
Knowle doesn’t need any
kind of satisfaction.

Apparently things between Monica and Knowle haven’t improved since we last saw them. Krycek frowns, feeling his stint as POTUS did nothing to help his friend’s marriage.

SCULLY
Well... Mon’ and I were
just going to browse around,
but since John and I have finally
bought tickets to go on our honeymoon-

KRYCEK
-HONEYMOON?!?! Duuuuuudette!
Where are you going?

Scully is hesitant to tell Krycek where she and John are going on their honeymoon in a few months time... she knows how Krycek (and Mulder) are about vacations: they like to tag along, and the main purpose of going on this long overdue honeymoon, is to spend time alone together. No kids, and absolutely no Mulder and Krycek.

SCULLY
Well... we uh, we umm...
we decided on Hawaii.

KRYCEK
Duuuuuuuudette! That’s so
uber-cool! (beat) But... I
thought Hawaii was yours
and Skinner’s romance getaway.
OHMYGOD! That’s so super fantastic!

Does Krycek still ‘ship Skinner/Scully?

MONICA
She’s not with Skinner anymore.

KRYCEK
I know that, but... wouldn’t being
in Hawaii make you long for
being back together with da Skinman?
(beat) To play with his Skinnermarinkydink?

Monica rolls her eyes at Krycek. Why must he always try to make everything perverted?

SCULLY
No. Walter and I are friends now.
No more, no less.

Krycek makes eye contact with his manager, she is glaring at him. He’s here to work, not socialize with friends. Krycek moves so his back is to his manager. He ain’t got no time for that!

As much as Krycek loved Skinner and Scully together (their little “Turtle! Eeek!” thing was DA BEST!), he nods his head, he guesses that Monica is right. If there was still any feelings or romantic love between Scully and Skinner, they would have jumped each other’s bones long before now (regardless of their relationship statuses with other people), that’s just how Skinner and Scully rolled back in the day.

Hmmm, if Doggman and Scully are going out of town, who will...

KRYCEK
(super excited)
Ooh! Ooh! Who’s gonna
watch over Katie and Will?

Scully doesn’t answer, she is a bit frozen with terror, she and John haven’t asked anyone to watch after Katie and Will, and Buddy and Daggoo yet! And they certainly do not want to ask Mulder and Krycek to watch after the house again after what they did with digging a pool... aw Hell! No way in the world will they have Mulder and Krycek watch over Katie and Will while they’re out of town!

MONICA
I’ve already offered to watch
the kids for them.

THANK YOU MONICA! Scully sighs in relief.

KRYCEK
But... what about Knowle, isn’t...

Monica reads the look and Krycek’s face and answers his question before he can ask it.

MONICA
Knowle and I are separated.
He won’t be around in his
drunken state anymore.

KRYCEK
Separated? Are you
getting divorced?

MONICA
I don’t know. (beat) Maybe.

Unexpectedly, Krycek GLOMPS onto Monica, taking her into his arms in a HUGE BEAR HUG. Monica looks at Scully from behind Krycek’s shoulder. Scully smiles at her warmly, and shrugs.

MONICA
Ok, ok... you’ve been living
with the Mulders too long, hugsie.

Krycek pulls away from Monica and wipes his eyes with the back of his hands. Whoa, who knew that Krycek loved Monica and Knowle together so much?

There’s a tap on Krycek’s shoulder, he backs away from Monica and turns around and is face-to-face with his manager. Practically, nose-to-nose!

MANAGER
You’re being paid to work
not to socialize with your friends.

KRYCEK
SHUH! Hashtag, you know it!
(beat) But I don’t care, go away!

He shoos his manager away with his hand and turns back to Scully and Monica. The manager storms across the store to the store’s owner. Uh oh! Spaghetti-Os!

Scully is fingering through some bras and panties that are on the display table, setting aside items that she likes so she can have something new to wear on hers and John’s honeymoon later this year.

Scully sees that Krycek’s manager is now speaking with the owner of the store, they are both looking in Krycek’s direction. She knows that it is inevitable that Krycek will be fired, him and sexy lingerie stores go together like water and oil! It’s simple mathmatics really...

Alex Krycek + sexy lingerie = oil and water

SCULLY
If you’re still looking to make
some extra money. John and I
could really use a dog walker.

KRYCEK
Dog walker?

Sure, Krycek has developed fondness towards Buddy since Doggett took him on as a pet on their 2001 road trip in Kansas and Colorado, but that new puppy, Daggoo, he’s not so sure about that doggo!

Daggoo is hyperactive, and scary. And with the exception of the ol’ dog Buddy, Krycek has a serious fear of dogs and puppies.

Of course, he’s not sure if he’ll last as an employee of a lingerie store (he has been talked to about his inappropriate comments already by his manager, and has been slapped several times by unhappy customers), and he really needs to make some money since Doggett won’t let him back in the FBI! That stupid, mean ol’ grumpy bum!

Scully feels bad for Krycek. She knows that he hasn’t been able to easily find new jobs, or keep the jobs he does find, after he resigned from the Presidency. Though she and John, or Katie and Will, love taking the dogs for walks, she wants to do anything she can to help her old friend out.

SCULLY
Just take Buddy and Daggoo
for walks for John and I on
weekdays. We can cover the-

KRYCEK
What time should I be
there on Monday?

SCULLY
Around five o’clock.

KRYCEK
Super duper! (beat) Now if
I might suggest some really
sexy lingerie for your honeymoon…

Scully and Monica share a look as Krycek leads them over to a display of sexy costumes. He takes down a sexy cop costume and hands it over to Scully.

KRYCEK
Something tells me that Johnny
Boy would love to be dominated
by a sexy police woman! (beat)
We don’t sell sexy handcuffs
here, but you can find them at
the triple X store the next level down.
                       
SCULLY
John already has real handcuffs, Alex.
(beat) And boy would I love for him
to use them in the bedroom…

Inside, Krycek is pervy giggling, for he knows all too well some fantasies that John Doggett would like to try out with his woman. Thank you, sex therapist stint! And  you’re welcome, Johnny Boy!

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

CLOSE UP: TELEVISION

On the screen we see a professional looking law office, sitting on the corner of the desk is Alex Krycek, dressed to the nines in an expensive black suit and red tie. He stands and approaches the camera.

KRYCEK
Are you looking for a
divorce lawyer who can
win you custody of your
children, and boot your
lying, cheating husband
to the curb? (beat) Look
no further.

Krycek quickly snaps to turn to look directly into another camera.

KRYCEK
Call me, Alex Krycek, Esquire,
and I will help you screw over
your lying husband today. (beat)
All you have to do is dial one
number, and that’s five!

The phone number 555-5555 flashes on the screen over menacing lawyer commercial music. Krycek is pointing directly at you, the viewer.

FADE OUT:

Woof! Woof! This segment of this “Fox & Rat” episode was suggested by @DanaScullyMulde

EXT. DOGGETT HOUSE – EVENING
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
MONDAY, 21 JUNE 2021
4:54 P.M.

Going all out for his new job as a professional dog walker, Alex Krycek is driving down the street in a van that has been done up to look like a dog (think of the dog van in the movie “Dumb and Dumber”). On the side of the dog van is a sign that says: DA Doggo Walka’ - #DoggoWalka

The dog van turns onto the Doggett driveway, before Krycek can even take the key out of the ignition he sees the hyperactive pup, Daggoo, barking at him through the living room window.

Krycek snears at that dog.

Was Buddy ever that hyperactive and scary?

Krycek can’t remember for certain. For a moment Krycek ponders whether or not his age has anything to do with his difficulty recollecting something from twenty years ago. Dang! Has it already been twenty years since they died in a tornado (that he drove into), and then came back to life as if no time had passed at all?! (FRVS Writers’ Note: we continue to apologize for the majority of our fourth season, if you’re a new reader, just skip it – season 3’s finale matches up perfectly with the season 5 premiere)

Geez! Hmmm… he wonders if the part of Kansas where they died in the tornado is haunted with their ghosts. How cool would it be to go back to Kansas and try to communicate with their ghost selves?! Krycek makes a mental note to himself that this is something he and Mulder need to do one day.

The yip-YIP-yipping of Daggoo snaps him out of his ghost adventure idea, and back to present day. He looks at the dog in the window, yipping and barking at him, he sneers.

Sure, it was a great idea to get Doggett and Scully a new pet dog to get them out of deep trouble after he and Mulder dug a big mud hole in their backyard last year, however, if he had known that he’d get wrangled into being their dog walker, he wouldn’t have gone along with that plan, perhaps instead of a dog he and Mulder would have gotten the Doggetts a pet goldfish. Goldfish aren’t as scary as dogs. But alas, he is here to take Buddy and Daggoo for a walk in the park.

He takes the keys out of the ignition, and gets out of the van. The front door of the house opens and John Doggett steps out, a HUGE grin on his face. It’s too big a grin though… too friendly… should he be scared?

DOGGETT
(pretending to be overly happy)
Alex!

KRYCEK
(waving)
Hey, John!

Krycek keeps his eyes on Daggoo, barking at him from the living room window.

DOGGETT
So… if your triplet brother
is a sex therapist, how would
you know about the sexy cop thing?

John crosses his arms across his chest.

KRYCEK
(uh oh! caught!)
Oh, um, er, durrrrr…

DOGGETT
You’re a little shit sometimes,
you know that?

KRYCEK
Yeah. I know. (beat) Sorry
about that, but you know
ever since I got rejected by
the FBI Director, I’ve been
trying to find a new career
path so if I could just get my
old job back at the X-Files-

DOGGETT
Go back to Quantico.

KRYCEK
I don’t know what Quanti
Company is-

DOGGETT
Cut the crap, Alex.

KRYCEK
I don’t want to go back to school.

DOGGETT
To be an agent of the FBI,
you need proper training at
the Academy. Without that,
you cannot be employed by the FBI.

Krycek pouts, but it’s short-lived as Scully brings Buddy and Daggoo outside, on their leashes. Buddy is calm, and well-behaved, but Daggoo – though a year into being part of the Doggett family – is still quite a little spitfire!

And oh boy, oh yes, dogs can sense fear.

Daggoo stands there, wagging his little tail, and staring up at Krycek, looking him in the eye. And Krycek stands there, petrified, staring down at the little dog, knowing that if he does not take control of the dog immediately, that this little pup could get the better of him, and he cannot have that.

Nuh-uh, no way! No little doggy will get the better of him, for he is Alexander Sergeiovich Krycek II Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr… wait… how many “Jrs” are in his name? Krycek shakes his own head, that doesn’t matter.

For he is Alexander Krycek, and he is DA MAN!

Faking confidence, Krycek steps towards Scully to take hold of the leashes. Daggoo growls at him, but Krycek stands his ground, and hides his fear as best he can. He takes hold of the leashes and smiles at Scully, wiping nervous sweat from his brow.

KRYCEK
Nothing to worry about here,
mom and dad, errrm… I mean
Doggett and Scully. (beat) I am
their new leader of the pack.

And before Krycek can exert any kind of dominance over Daggoo (and Buddy) to become leader of the pack, Daggoo bolts down the driveway, dragging Krycek and Buddy with him!

John and Dana do nothing, and say nothing. They just watch as Krycek is dragged down the sidewalk towards the park just a couple of blocks away. John puts his arms across Dana’s shoulders. They smile at each other.

DOGGETT
Think Buddy’ll manage to
get Alex home in one piece?

Dana gives John a look. That’s funny, but that’s also not funny. She steps away from his side, and touches his shoulder before heading back inside to get dinner prepared.

John pauses for a moment and looks off toward Krycek. He’s tripped over the leash Daggoo is on, and is struggling to stand up. But good ol’ Buddy, stands in front of Daggoo, protecting Krycek from the little pup. John nods his head, assuring himself that all will be all right simply because Krycek and Daggoo are being supervised by good ol’ reliable, Buddy.

CUT TO:

EXT. FALLS CHURCH DOG PARK – MINUTES LATER

Buddy has managed to break away from the chaos that is being caused by Krycek and Daggoo. He’s sitting patiently watching them. Why oh why did his pets have to hire Krycek to take he and Daggoo for walks? Buddy thinks he can totally manage the pup himself, and put Krycek on a leash.

Krycek is spinning round and round, trying his best to keep an eye on Daggoo.

KRYCEK
Stupid dog! GAAH!
You’re as stupid as a
Stormtrooper, you know that?!

Daggoo is running circles around Krycek, wrapping his long leash around Krycek’s ankles. Satisfied with how tightly the leash is around Krycek, Daggoo stops and assumes the position to go poo.

Krycek wriggles and wiggles to try to break free of the leash coiled around his feet!

KRYCEK
(grumbling to himself)
Damn stinkin’ little mutt!

Daggoo lets out a very loud YIP! YIP! which causes Krycek to try to run the other direction, but instead, Krycek loses his balance, his feet can’t move, and he falls face first into a moist, and warm pile of Daggoo doggy doo! Ew!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DOGGETT HOUSE – 5 MINUTES LATER

John and Dana are covering their mouths unsuccessfully trying not to laugh at Alex Krycek, who is standing before them with dog doo all over his face.

KRYCEK
I’m suing Daggoo, you know!
That little mutt purposely spun
me around and pushed me into
his doggy dung!

Sitting polite and proper at his feet is Daggoo. He looks oh so sweet, and oh so innocent. John and Dana aren’t sure they really believe a little puppy dog could do this much damage to Krycek. Surely, Krycek must have done something to trip and fall into dog poop at the dog park, right?

John lets out a really loud snort laugh, this causes Dana to break out in a giggle fit! She laughs so hard that she places her forehead on John’s chest and has to hang onto him to keep herself from falling over.

KRYCEK
Stop laughing. This isn’t funny.
This is serious. I’m suing Daggoo.

DOGGETT
You can’t sue a dog, Alex.

KRYCEK
Then I’ll sue you!

SMASH CUT:

INT. JUDGE MOODY’S COURTROOM – DAY
SATURDAY, 3 JULY 2021
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
4:01 P.M.

We’re in the television courtroom of the popular Judge Moody.

Alex Krycek sits on the plaintiff side of the judge’s bench. He has piles and piles of (empty?) file folders, and several Polaroid pictures of himself with doggy doo on his face.

John and Dana Doggett (with Buddy and Daggoo) sit as defendants. They are properly dressed for an appearance in a court of law. John is dressed in his best black suit, and Dana is dressed in a navy blue dress, her hair pulled back into a chignon. Buddy and Daggoo have recently been to the groomer so they too look their best.

Alex Krycek, for real, brought them to court over his falling face first into dog crap twelve days ago. Doggett, holding a Juris Doctorate, is acting as his family’s lawyer.

Krycek is representing himself in this courtroom, believing that simply because he made a divorce lawyer commercial that he is qualified to be a real lawyer.

Krycek’s children, “Martin” and Sasha Baby are seated behind their father. They are there with Fox and Maria Mulder, and their little girl, Pookalina Shmi.

John looks around the courtroom at the audience (most who are not dressed appropriately for court), all the different television cameras, and camera operators. Camera operators dressed in ratty T-shirts, and jeans with holes in the knees (among other places)! This is more like a kangaroo court than an actual court of law!

John sighs heavily, and looks at Dana. She’s holding Daggoo in her lap. She too cannot believe that Krycek is actually trying to sue them, and on William’s birthday weekend no less! They share a look and shake their heads at the same time.

Katie and William sit behind their parents, well-behaved and respectful in the courtroom. They’re more in awe of their dad being his own lawyer, than they are with the fact that they will be on TV!

BAILIFF
All rise.

The bailiff waits for everyone, except for the judge, to stand. Everyone stands respectfully except for Krycek. John tries not to roll his eyes, and coughs to signal to Krycek that he too needs to stand. Krycek gives him a look, and rolls his eyes, and reluctantly stands.

BAILIFF
Court is now in session.
Judge Courtney Moody presiding.
Please be seated.

Judge Moody takes her seat at her bench. She’s a short woman, with short brunette hair. She looks as if she’s in her mid-50s.

JUDGE MOODY
Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen. Calling the case
of Alex Krycek versus
Daggoo Doggett. (beat)
Are both sides ready?

DOGGETT
Ready, Your Honor.

KRYCEK
Me too.

JUDGE MOODY
Excuse me?

Krycek looks around the courtroom, flashing a sexy smile at one of the TV cameras.

KRYCEK
Yeah, baby, I’m ready.

Judge Moody is unamused. She stares Krycek down. She knows exactly who this guy is.

JUDGE MOODY
I’ll hear your opening statements now.

Krycek comes out from behind his table, and approaches the judge’s bench. He leans on it.

KRYCEK
Judge and ladies and gentlemen
of the television audience, the
defender has been charged with
the crime of pushing me into his
very own dog poop.

John and Dana share a look. What a waste of money on a trip out to Los Angeles.

KRYCEK
Your turn, Doggman!
Pun intended.

Krycek flashes a smile at the cameras and winks at the judge.

Little Daggoo lets out the cutest little bark that you’ve ever heard as John stands.

DOGGETT
Your Honor and ladies and gentlemen.
Under the law my dog is presumed
innocent until proven guilty. During
this trial, you will hear no real evidence
against my dog. You will come to know
the truth, that Daggoo was simply being
a dog at a dog park when his walker fell
into a pile of dog excrement.

When John Doggett went to law school never in his life did he expect to ever stand before a judge in a court of law and be saying those words.

You know, if you think about it, knowing Alex Krycek has really added a lot of interesting and unexpected things to his life. Just think if he never met Krycek,  he wouldn’t be married to Dana, he wouldn’t have Katie or William, he wouldn’t have Buddy, and he wouldn’t have Daggoo. But still… he’s in court defending his dog because Krycek fell into dog shit at the dog park.

KRYCEK
Daggoo pushed me into
his shit, your honor. I have
proof. I have polaroids of
my face covered in Daggoo’s
doggy doo.

Krycek goes back to his table, and retrieves the polaroids, he re-approaches the bench. The judge is unamused.

KRYCEK
As you can see this doodoo
is in fact Daggoo’s doo.

Judge Moody looks at the polaroids. She wishes that this Krycek character knew to hand his evidence over to the Bailiff to bring to her bench.

KRYCEK
(as she examines the photos)
So… would you like to go out
with me for dinner after the trial?

That’s it! She’s had it! It’s only been a few minutes of this trial and she knows the verdict. She calmly sets the Polaroid photos down and looks down at Krycek. He winks at her, and wiggles his eyebrows.

KRYCEK
Then after dinner we can
go back to my motel and
have a little somethin’ somethin-

JUDGE MOODY
I’ve heard enough.

Krycek is giddy with excitement! He’s won this easily! He can’t wait to get the five-hundred thousand dollars he’s suing Daggoo and the Doggetts over for the shit in his face! He skips back to his table, and sticks his tongue out at Doggett.

Judge Moody removes her eye glasses.

JUDGE MOODY
Will the plaintiff and the
defendant please rise?

John and Dana rise, and Krycek kicks his feet up on his table and leans back in his chair. Doggett notices and rolls his eyes, and coughs again to try to indicate to Krycek that he needs to stand too since he’s the plaintiff.

Krycek stands.

KRYCEK
I’d like to call Daggoo as a witness.

JUDGE MOODY
I’ve about had it with you, mister
Krycek. I know who you are.

KRYCEK
I’m Albino Rat!

JUDGE MOODY
No. You’re the imbecile who
was President of this great
country for one week in
January. (beat) You are a
sorry excuse for a human being.
I don’t care if this dog pushed
you into his crap.

KRYCEK
But-

JUDGE MOODY
You disgraced this country.
You divided this country, and
perverted the minds of children
with your behaviour on the
campaign trail.

KRYCEK
Look here, Miss, we’re not
here today to try me for
winning the Presidency-

Krycek immediately stops talking and his eyes go WIDE! Ohmygosh! He never in his life wanted to speak aloud about his Presidential campaign, or his week as the President of the United States! The entire courtroom has fallen into a dead hush, if a strand of hair were to fall to the floor, it would be heard!

Within seconds, the audience in this television courtroom starts whipping out their smartphones and logging onto their various social media accounts to let their friends know that the former President of the United States, Alex Krycek is in fact the Krycek in the doggy doo trial they are in Los Angeles to see.

Suddenly camera flashes and clicks start to emanate from the room, everyone wants to be the first person to post a photo of the former POTUS on their social media accounts.

Some members of the audience start standing up, pushing others out of the way. It’s getting out of hand.

Krycek, scared to have to face the fact that he actually was President, ducks down and hides under his table.

Dana touches her hand over her heart, as much a little shit that Krycek can be, he’s still her “baby boy,” and she hates to see him like this. She looks up at John, who is keeping his eyes straight ahead of him, doing his best to ignore the chaos in the courtroom.

SCULLY
(whispers)
Johnny… do something…

DOGGETT
(quiet)
It’s not my courtroom.

John can hear the hurt in his wife’s voice, hurt for what Krycek is going through. But let’s be honest here, Krycek did bring this upon himself. All of it. The Presidential campaign, his week as POTUS, and what brought them to this TV courtroom today.

Judge Moody slams her gavel hard onto its block several times to bring order to her courtroom.

Several other bailiffs enter the courtroom and escort members of the audience out.

JUDGE MOODY
ORDER!

As the room settles down, one of the camera operators takes a bite out of his turkey Subway sandwich, Buddy quietly makes his way over to where some of it fell on the floor, and eats it. Katie and William notice this, and William crawls over to get Buddy, doing his best not to disturb the courtroom again.

As the room settles, Krycek carefully crawls out from underneath his table. He’s shook. He wishes that he never did anything stupid or idiotic in his entire life! He can’t bring himself to look the judge in the eye, and he certainly cannot bring himself to glance over and look at the Doggetts. They’ve been like his family for so many years, his surrogate mommy and daddy, and look at where they are. He brought them to court to try to get money out of them because he fell into dog poo.

JUDGE MOODY
I find the defendant innocent.
And I hereby order the plaintiff
to pay the defendant’s owners,
John and Dana Doggett a total of
one-thousand dollars in damages.

Judge Moody hits her gavel hard on its block, rises and storms out of the room.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – MORNING
Sunday, 18 July 2021

Well, dammit, trying to sue the Doggetts for having fallen face first into a pile of doggy doodoo didn’t work. Feeling guilty and just an itty bitty bit remorseful, Krycek decided to go to church this sunny Sunday morning.

He sat at the pew, lowered his head, and though he’s not a religious fellow, he tried out this prayer thing to see what it was about. It wasn’t so much prayer to a god than it was talking to himself. What was he to do about finding a job? No one wants Alex Krycek, failed POTUS, no, they want reliable, non-controversial, boring, employees who will always conform to stupid corporate rules and regulations. That’s not who he, Alex Krycek, is.

So Krycek said in his head “please God, give me a sign, any sign, a sign of what I should do with my life,” and just as he was finishing that thought the priest passed him by, and laid a hand on his shoulder and asked “is there anything I can help you with, my son?”

Krycek perked up, looked up at the man, and smiled. God had given him a sign all right! A sign that he needed to become a priest!

He related this to the priest and asked to speak with him in his private quarters in the church. The priest led him down a long, long hallway, and just as they stepped inside his private quarters, Krycek took a vase off of a shelf by the door and knocked it hard over the priest’s head, knocking him out.

Now Krycek is sitting in the confessional, hearing confessions of strangers. He honestly thought this would be the most fun, but it’s really no fun when the people confessing are complete strangers. He knows that sometimes Scully comes to this church, couldn’t she drop by and confess her sins to him?

Krycek hears someone enter into the other side of the confessional box. The purpose of the partition between priest and confessor is to conceal the identity of the one confessing, but in this case Krycek knows immediately who has entered into the confessional booth! He knows the scent of Knowle Rohrer’s aftershave like he knows the scent of his own B.O.! Oh goodie! Oh boy! He’s gonna get a juicy confession out of The Rohrer! YAS!

KNOWLE
Forgive me father for I have sinned.
it’s been… well, I’ve never been
inside one of these damn things before-

KRYCEK
(disguising his voice, sounding “regal”)
That’s quite all right, my son.

KNOWLE
Divorce is a sin, right?

KRYCEK
Yes, my son.

KNOWLE
I cheated on my wife, and
neglected her in important
decisions, and now we’re
in a situation where I’m
living in a hotel, and we’re
looking into hiring divorce
lawyers. (beat) Nevermind
the fact that I tried to kill
a Presidential candidate, and
had the intention to try to tear
my best friend’s marriage apart.

Krycek’s not sure what to say to this, he’s not a real priest!

KRYCEK
Oh dear…

KNOWLE
I’ve sinned a lot in my lifetime,
father, obscene amounts of sinning.
I’m not even religious, I just have
no one else I can turn to, no one
else I can talk to about this. (beat)
What do I do?

Hmmm… Krycek ponders this for a moment. Why did he, Alex Krycek, decide to run for President in the first place? To try to help fix Knowle and Monica’s marriage. And now he’s faced again with another opportunity to do something, say something actually, that might be able to turn things around and fix their marriage. He must chose his next words wisely.

KRYCEK
Follow your wife’s lead.
Don’t see the woman you
cheated on her with. (beat)
If you want to turn your
life around only you can
change yourself. And you’ll
have to want to make changes.
You alone have the power to
change, to fix your marriage.

KNOWLE
What if it’s too late?
I mean… what if I’ve
lost her forever?

KRYCEK
Do you still love her?

KNOWLE
Of course I do.

KRYCEK
When there’s love, there’s a way.
Don’t give up, fight for those
you love, fight for your family.

Knowle is quiet for awhile, contemplating the words of the “priest” in the confessional. He stands up.

KNOWLE
Thank you, father.

He leaves.

Krycek waits a few seconds, and then stands up and leaves the confessional booth. He watches Knowle walk down the aisle, past all the empty pews, hands in his pockets, his head lowered.

“Don’t give up, fight for those you love, fight for your family.” Krycek is in awe of his own words.

Marita

He still doesn’t know where Marita is, and hasn’t been able to contact her, and she hasn’t contacted him either. This breaks his heart. Marita is his family. They may have gotten a divorce, but they love each other, just as they love their children “Martin” and Sasha Baby.

Marita, “Martin,” and Sasha Baby are his family. He loves them with all his heart, and he has inspired himself to get out there and really fight for that love.

If he had to guess, Marita is probably off somewhere hiding from him. He knows that she would have been embarrassed by his campaign for POTUS. Maybe Marita is watching him somehow. Maybe if he turns his life around, gets a real job, and grows up, maybe, just maybe Marita would come back to him. He’s 52 years old for Christ’s sake!

Krycek hears faint footsteps behind him, and feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and no one is there. But he senses something, or someone, a familiar feeling washes over him. The hair on his arms stick straight up, and he feels a soft tingling sensation on the back of his neck, and a soft whisper in his ear… “I… miss… … … Sasha…” The smell of Marita’s favorite rose petal perfume is in the air, or is it? He can almost smell it before the scent is gone. He closes his eyes, willing the smell to stay with him. He misses Marita so much.

When he opens his eyes he sees a figure moving down the aisle, away from him. A nun.

He steps forward, and opens his mouth to say something to the woman.

As she slowly turns around to face him she becomes transparent, a ghost, she looks exactly like Marita Covarrubias, only a bit older. He blinks and she disappears.

Did he just see Marita?

Krycek quickly turns around to make sure that he is alone in the church. No one is there. He actually, literally, just saw a ghost. What does this mean? And what does it mean that she looked just like Marita, but as a nun?

Krycek sits down on the steps leading up to the alter.

He is alone.

But is he really?

Perhaps there is a way to find out.

 

THE END

 




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