"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season One


 

Review By: Cerasi J.

“GET SOME PANTS ON!”

Bacteria wars and bubble gum start off this outrageous episode of Fox and Rat! Mulder-literally-gets stuck with tickets to “The Nutcracker” and forces Krycek to attend with him. He tried to invite Skinner… but Skinner seemed to be… ahem… busy with Agent Scully. After comparing a dancer to November’s Play Pen Model-of-the-Month, Mulder and Krycek get stuck watching a man with no pants on and two ditzy women with magazine perfume. Mulder and Krycek are just thankful when the show is over!

1x04 "Bad Boys"



 

Title: "Bad Boys"

[ download PDF ]

Series: FRVS - Episode #005

Written by: Cassie & Kristi

Classification: humor

Rating: PG

Air Date: 13 February 2000

Date Written: 8 February 2000

Summary: Mulder comes across tickets to the ballet and makes Krycek go with him.

Spoilers: None, we try to create our own stuff... but remember sometimes we have to refer to happenings in the actual show "The X-Files."

Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS).

Feedback: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series, and Semper Fi only. If you would like to include any of our episodes in your fanfic archive, please contact us at: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Author's Note: Sometimes the actions of these characters are cartoonish in nature. If you actually think that following their horrible example is a good thing to do, we are not responsible for your lack of common sense. The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor.

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FADE IN:

INT. D.C. SUBWAY TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
FRIDAY, 17 DECEMBER 1999

It's gloomy... there is a stupid DJ on the radio talking about the holiday season... Mulder looks at the radio like it has just commited a sin.... happiest time of the year! HA! Try working for Mr. Assistant Director Walter Sergei Skinner, and then try telling me this is the happiest time of the year! Normally, Mulder loves Christmas time, but not when he suspects that his crush (Dana Scully) is, how should we put it, involved with his boss.

Mulder is beat... his zoned out gaze falls to the floor.

MULDER'S POV - THE FLOOR AND HIS SHOES

The floor is a war zone... of bacteria and fungus... and a more frightening sight... a scary boy band magazine cover. His shoes, are dirty. He sees that he is standing on some tickets, he lifts his shoe to get off the tickets... and they stick... we see a bright/dusty pink piece of chewed gum on his shoe....

NEW ANGLE - MULDER

Standing up... (**NOTE: No one else is on the train car**) He is hanging on to a pole, as he looks both ways to see if anyone is watching... shruggs his shoulders, lifts his foot up... and falls forward... but catches himself on an empty seat... he snatches the tickets from his shoe... the gum is still on the tickets, ew... Mulder picks off the gum and drops it to the ground... a disgusted look is on his face....

CUT TO:

INT. MULDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The light of the fish tank luminates the living room... with a blue tint. Mulder, we see, is dialing the phone ... speed dial to Skinner's office, Skinner told him he was gonna work late. We hold on this angle of Mulder for a few beats.

SCULLY
(breathing deeply, on phone)
Yeah ...

MULDER
Oh hi Scully!
I found these two tickets
on the subway, a uh... some
nice man gave them to me.
And I was wondering if...

SCULLY
(on phone)
If...?

MULDER
(confused)
Isn't this... (beat)
I-I thought I was calling Skinner?

SCULLY
(rather quickly)
Oh yeah. Here he is.

SKINNER
(irritated... he was busy...)
Skinner.

MULDER
(happy)
Hey Walt!

In the background, over the filter of the phone... we here a desk lamp and papers hit the ground... we hear Skinner go WHOA!.... the line goes dead.

Mulder shrugs ... hmmmmm ... then Mulder frowns.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. ALEX KRYCEK'S APARTMENT #40 - CON'T

ANGLE - KRYCEK'S DOOR

Flies open!! WHAM! Krycek looks startled and quickly turns off the TV. We see Mulder standing in the doorway ... he looks wired... possessed even.

MULDER
(determined/demanding)
You're coming with me!!

KRYCEK
Get out!

FADE OUT:

We hear the muffled sounds of conversation... beeps of car horns... angry words toward someone...

FADE IN:

EXT. ANDERSON THEATRE - DAY
SATURDAY, 18 DECEMBER 1999

MULDER

Stands looking at the theatre in all it's glory... as angry drivers pass him... he is standing in the middle of the road.... Krycek is on the sidewalk behind him....

KRYCEK

has to quickly pull Mulder away before he is run over by a semi-truck... beeping at him...

CUT TO:

INT. ANDERSON THEATRE - BALCONY

ANGLE - MULDER AND KRYCEK

Getting comfy in their seats.

MULDER

Is bouncing in his seat... he's bouncing as if he's trying to accomplish something. It's like he's flying through an asteroid field in Star Wars! He leans over to Krycek to explain himself...

MULDER
I just can't get my
butt in right.

He squirms some more.

KRYCEK
T.M.I.

MULDER
Huh?

KRYCEK
(duh)
Too much information.

THE LIGHTS DIM

MULDER
(very child like)
Ooooh... it's time.

INTERCOM ANNOUNCEMENT COMES ON.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Your attention please (beat)
Our dancers at the Anderson
Theatre would like to remind you
that there is no food or drink-


Mulder pulls out potato chips, the announcement reminded him that he brought snackies!

WOMAN'S VOICE
-allowed in this theatre. A reminder
That no flash photography is allowed-

At this, Krycek decides to pull out his little camera and takes a picture CLICK, BRIGHT FLASH! of Mulder eating his potato chips.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Thank you for your cooperation.
Enjoy the show.

Mulder throws a potato chip at Krycek.

KRYCEK
Wasn't the Arabian
Dancer from November's
issue of Play Pen Magazine?

MULDER
Yeah... I think so.
Good thinking.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. ANDERSON THEATRE - BALCONY - 20 MIN LATER

Lights are out, Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker", Ballet Op. 71, Act I: Premier Tableau, No. 7 Scene - la Bataille: Allegro Vivo, is playing.

There are two women making their way to their seats ... they finally find their seats in front of Mulder and Krycek... Mulder has to remove his feet from their seats, after they look at him a few times... he says "oh" ... he didn't realize they were gonna sit there.

Right away, Mulder and Krycek start to sniff the air. Their little noses cringe. There is a GOD AWFUL smell in the air!!! Kinda like the smell from teeny-bopper magazines... perfume. BLAH!

Mulder leans in towards Krycek ...

MULDER
(rather loud)
What is that smell?!

KRYCEK
Smells like (beat)
magazines!!

They both simultaneously turn their heads to look at the ditzs in front of them ...

MULDER
First they take my
foot rest, and then
they smell like magazines!

All of a sudden, Mulder spots one of the dancers dressed like a rat on the stage ... oh my God!!! Rats!!! All of a sudden... Krycek pulls out of his tux coat a can of Root Beer. He coughs very loudly and annoyingly.... and a dancer falls as Mulder laughs loudly... and then after coughing... Krycek opens his can of Root Beer. OOps ... everyone heard the can open ...

KRYCEK
(laughing to himself)
Oops. (little chuckle)
I did that wrong.

NEW ANGLE - STAGE

The male lead dancer prances out ... from behind the right wing ... ummm ... how to put this:

MULDER
(yelling at the male dancer)
Get some pants on!!

KRYCEK

hearing Mulder's comment..... laughs and spits out his root on DITZ #1, then spills the rest of his can of Root Beer on DITZ #2. They run out... to refresh their magazine perfume. Krycek CHUCKLES to himself... Mulder gives him a HIGH FIVE.

MULDER
Good one... Rat Boy.
(beat) Look! (re: Rats on
stage) There's your kind!!

MULDER

Is laughing at his own dumb joke.

KRYCEK

On the other hand..... wait... he only has one arm.... or does he? We're still not sure how we're going to play that in "Fox & Rat"... ok... anyways... GLARES at Mulder (still laughing out loud)... but before Krycek will hurt him... "The Arabian Dance" starts....

KRYCEK
(hits Mulder)
Hey......

MULDER
(confused)
Huh? (beat) (gets it)
Oh..... yeah....

MULDER AND KRYCEK

Start to take pictures: CLICK, BRIGHT FLASH! CLICK, BRIGHT FLASH! of the Arabian Dancer ballerina. She's hot!

TIME CUT TO:

Finale of "The Nutcracker" ... Mulder and Krycek stand up clapping ... then they realize no one else is clapping, so that means everyone else thought it sucked, so they stop ... all is quiet, as they sit back down.

THE LIGHTS COME ON!

MULDER AND KRYCEK

Are all alone ... they must have pissed off everyone in attendance!!!!!

MULDER
I told you he needed pants.

FADE OUT:

THE END


 

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